watch yourself sit here and wonder watch yourself tell yourself you dont need to think anymore watch yourself wonder why you put this song on its a little distracting watch yourself decide not to use punctuation so nothing can stop you from writing because you are a flight risk watch yourself be a flight risk
what does it mean to be a flight risk
it means i am at risk of eating my feelings or acting impulsively or self destructively because i have feelings i don't know what to do with well what are you feeling?
mostly bored
but also depressed and sad and dread
feeling like life is dragging on and its boring yet i should do something i feel kind of useless and unmotivated and uninspired and i am disappointed because its the 11th day of my cycle and i should feel more high energy than this and i want to take a pill or something to get energy but im too lazy to do that because i think its unfair that i should have to augment my experience just to go through the motions
i am tired of going through the motions
of eating and exercising and waiting
tired of waiting
for success for attention for inspiration
i am tired of waiting for something to happen for the money to come for something to happen for the world to end for natural disaster or man made disaster to make something change i am tired of waiting for something to change i am tired of thinking

ok so it is the i that is tired
the i is tired of waiting for something to happen
i can feel the love under
the i can feel the love underneath? the i is just waiting for something to happen the i is skipping through songs waiting for something to hit
nothing in reality
i mean the changing world is hitting
i dont really want anything or for anything to change
i mean i dont have specific desires i dont need anything the rent isnt due today i feel fine in my body today my relationships are fine i dont need anything to change
but i feel like crying
because im bored? because theres nothing to distract me? no crisis to make me present?
im a little hungry

the i is a little hungry the i is sighing heavily and trying to stop tensing the shoulders the i feels depressed because there is nothing exciting happening nothing to look forward to the i is bored and sad and depressed but everything is fine other than it is way too hot in this room to be wearing 2 pairs of pants and fleece
i should open the door more but i dont want to pull my hands away from the keyboard for fear i wont come back

the i is bored the i is hot the i is waiting for something to happen the i is waiting for something to change

but i know i am pure effortless choiceless awareness but i dont know how to stay there
the i says it doesnt know how to stay there why does the i keep coming

supposed to just watch and observe and not react
the i is observing a little hunger, a lot of boredom, a lot of tired of the same old shit, tired of february, the i always gets depressed in february
and then it drags on til may

the i is dreading the i is dreading these months the i feels tired of trying to keep all the balls in the air
the i is tired of the balancing game and wants the magick back
the i just wants the magick back
the i thinks it made the magick

is the i ovulating or something today because this existential dread is a bit much
the i knows it should identify as pure awareness
the pure awareness is watching this happen
the i just wants to be in a good mood why isnt the i in a good mood
the i wants to know what to do it wants to act it wants to work but doesnt know what to work on the i is noticing the imprint of grime on the screen frmo the keyboard

the i is hungry the i is depressed the i is moving in slow motion the i wants to feel better the i wants to be high the i wants to go DO SOMETHING the i is bored the i wants change the i wants good things to happen

but even if something good happened would the i even feel anything the i feels so dead
is it because the pure choiceless effortless awareness is taking over/

the i is bored the i wants to get things over with it wants to do the hard shit and get it over with get this workout overwith

the i wants to get it all over with so it can what, relax? is that what the i wants?

who cares what the i wants it doesn't matter
everything just seems so pointless
so might as well just enjoy it but how to enjoy it
stop thinking
never forget the point is to stop thinking
so what should i do to stopthinkgin

the options are
am i aware
i am
who am i
thank you god for replacing me with you
pure awareness i am
effortless, choiceless pure awareness
i am effortless, choiceless pure awareness
i i i

the i is way too hot in here there are way too many pants the i is hungry wtf is the i goign to eat before this class
the i is dreading and dragging the i is dreading and dragging the i is dreading and dragging

ok so this is seen i know it isn't the real me but still there is much discomfort much boredom much resistance
i am resisting the i is resisting what is
what is
boring no motion no good news nothing good hapepning
nothing bad happening either other than the dread of having to go through the pain of this work out