am i aware or not

Jessica Mullen

am i aware or not

Jessica Mullen
watch yourself still feel like you're in molasses. watch yourself feel uncomfortable the way you're sitting. watch yourself write because you feel desperate to feel better. watch yourself feel like there is nothing you want to do. watch yourself breathe out and out and out and out. watch yourself feel disappointed and angry and empty. watch yourself want to feel good. watch yourself wish you could be present. watch yourself wish you could get away from the thoughts. watch yourself know you are teh source but be incapable of doing anything about it.

watch yourself listen to the birds. watch yourself wish you knew what to do to feel better.

yes i feel crappy. yes i feel lonely. yes i feel like life is empty. yes i feel separate. yes i feel depressed. yes i am just sitting here trying too hard to feel better. yes i am bored! yes i wish i could be creative and make this journal. yes i know i need to let the journal go. yes i wish i felt better.

yes i am listening to the birds. yes i am breathing in. yes i am breathing out. yes i am disappointed. yes i wish i was successful. yes i wish i was successful. in being present at least. yes i wish i could succeed in just one fucking area! yes i wish i could get the fucking vision/clarity back. yes i wish am i aware would work again. yes i wish i felt better. yes i am trapped in my preferences.

yes i would prefer to feel better than this. yes i would prefer to feel engaged and excited about life. yes i would prefer to breathe better. yes i would prefer to get attention. yes i would prefer to be contacted. yes i would prefer to be treated better. yes i would prefer to feel less depressed.

I HAVE NOTHING but what god gives me right now.
i have nothing but this time to write and the birds chirping.
i have my health and i have texts from my mom. i have a new niece. right now god is giving me hunger and time to write.

i have nothing but what god is giving me right now.
i have nothing but what god is giving me right now.
i have nothing to gain by feeling better...
oh ok so that is the issue. i think i have so much to gain if i feel better so i want to force myself to feel better and i can't because i'm too focused on how bad i feel and how i just don't know what to do.

i have nothing to lose by feeling like this. that's the trouble, i really feel like i have something to lose if i continue feeling like this. my whole life feels like it will fall apart if i don't start feeling better. i'll never get the manifestations i "need" if i don't feel better. so i feel like i have something to gain if i feel better but it's not up to me so it's out of my control and all i can do is sit here and wait?!

i have nothing but what god is giving me right now.
i have a quiet morning. i have the ability to type. i have the ability to express myself. i am creating at this moment.

i have nothing but what god is giving me right now. i have sadness and depression, making me wish for better days. i have this time to go within. i have the ability to do self inquiry.

who am i who has nothing but what god is giving me right now? who am i who is suffering? who am i who remembers i am the source but can't change how i feel?

i would prefer to change how i feel to inspired and creative and motivated and excited about life. i would prefer to be making my best work. i would prefer to feel good right now. i would prefer to feel high. i would prefer to feel bliss. i would prefer to feel love. that's it, i just want to feel love and i feel so much uncertainty and sadness and like i've been robbed.

i have nothing
i have nothing
i have nothing but what god gives me in this moment
god is giving me time to write. god is giving me happy healthy birds. god is givign me a cool breeze on my neck. god is giving me the feeling that i'm going to cry.

i have nothing. i have nothing. i have nothing. i have nothing but what god is giving me right now.

i have nothing to lose by feeling this way. i have nothing to gain by feeling this way.
i have nothing to lose by crying. i have nothing to gain by crying.

so i really do feel like i have something to gain and lose and i see that is the problem. i am mixed with experience and being tossed around by the spontaneous arisings of illusory form.

i have nothing but what god gives me right now. god is giving me the question: how can i stop being mixed with experience?/

i have nothing. i have nothing to gain by stopping being mixed with experience but i feel like i do so i am having troubel stopping being mixed with experience because i'm taking it too seriously.

i have nothing. i have nothing to lose by being mixed with experience. except my center, my equilibrium, my peace.

i have nothing but what god gives me right now.
thank you for the time to write. thank you for the perspective to at least see that i am mixed with experience and think i have something to gain and lose. thank you for the peaceful morning and health. thank you for the connection. thank you for the breeze. thank you for the possible rain. thank you for the time to do self inquiry. thank you for helping me feel better.

thank you god for replacing me wtih you. thank you god for replacing me with yuou. thank you for helping me stay sober today. thank you for the perfec timing. thank you for the magick life. thank you for the relief. thank you for helping me stabilize as i am. thank you for helping me feel better. thank you for the best day of my life!

what do i want?
attention from ___
what do i have to gain by getting what i want?
motivation, power, love, good mood
what do i have to lose by not getting what i want?
good mood, motivation, love, power

i am giving ____ my power, when i am the source.
i am taking my power back by remembering when i am aware, i have no problems. nothing to gain or lose!
i'm not suffering this anymore!!!!
I AM THE SOURCE!
am i aware? when i am aware i have no problems. when i am aware i have no lack or agitation or SEPARATION. what i really want is love and i am feeling separate. i feel so separate from those i love.
when i am aware, oneness is seen. i see how it's all the same. please god give me that knowing again. thank you god for replacing me with you. oneness is seen.

Jessica Mullen
Living the magick life.