I Am Aware

Jessica Mullen

I Am Aware

Jessica Mullen

Watch yourself sit at your desk, pushing play on Temple of the Dog. Watch yourself feel worn out already from the chores. Watch yourself notice how you really tried to have a good attitude about cleaning up the messes, and towards the end the resentment kicked in but you were able to watch it more than be it. Witness the witness. Whether you are resentful or accepting, it doesn't matter, because you are the watcher. The witness. The awareness. I am aware.

Watch yourself glance over at your paperwork from the dr yesterday. Watch yourself feel the burn of shame from gaining 8 pounds since jan 2020. WAtch yourself feel so much conflicting emotion and thought about those fucking 8 pounds. Part of it is muscle, my clothes still mostly fit. So, defensive. (sadness, shame, helplessness, anger, embarrassment, disappointment, frustration, and vulnerability). I feel embarrassed that I couldn't keep up the 117. I feel anger that it's so hard to "control" my appetite. Frustration that I don't have the right mindset to maintain that lower weight. Disappointment that I still let my stupid fucking weight affect how I feel. I stopped weighing myself every day last month which helped my mental a lot... but wow I can't believe the shame.

The shame feels like being that bad dog again. I just want to be loved and pet and appreciated and eat my food and be happy and have fun. But there is a voice in my head smacking me with a newspaper over and over and over and over and over. I try so hard. I know objectively it is a normal healthy weight, especially for someone who works out/has muscle mass.

Watch yourself tear up over that bad dog feeling. BEATING ME with that newspaper. It doesn't hurt that bad, it's just so shameful and embarassing and sad. I just want to be loved. I just want to be loved. I just want to be loved. i just want to be loved like a fucking pet dog.

WAtch yourself start crying at these childhood feelings of shame. SO much fucking shame. So much fucking shame.

Watch yourself feel the shame lift out of you, like... idk, some cgi of some dust evaporating or something.

Watch yourself remember it's a full moon today. Watch yourself remember you have to go to the pharmacy. Watch yourself.

Watch yourself try to pause the music to listen to what the noise was. It was just the garbage truck. Watch yourself sneeze twice and accidentally restart the song.

Watch yourself sit here in your chair, cross legged and sniffling. Less shame now. Drained, a little depleted. But feeling better that I felt the shame. Watch yourself remember you can just be aware of the shame. It's not who you are. You'll get past it, one morning writing at a time.

Watch yourself want to make good work. Watch yourself want to have a good day. Watch yourself want better posture. WAtch yourself want to be loved. Watch yourself want success and praise and appreciation and attention. Watch yourself remind yourself of all the success you've experienced the past couple days:

- best pet sitter in the world who is actually interested in our work! and i love her so much!
- i love my neighbors and can't wait to spend more time with them!
- bigass wholesale order today!
- several faire orders the past few days!
- kind youtube comments
- clean bill of health!
- fun show is helping! it's fun! keeping it up!
- sold a magick pizza sluts shirt!
- keeping up our workout schedule, eating well, sleeping well
- alien activity success!

lots of things are going well. Watch yourself breathe a sigh of relief. Things are going mostly well. Mostly smoothly. I can have a mostly good attitude. I do have a mostly good attitude.

Watch yourself sit here and get distracted. Watch yourself be the watcher of the distraction. Who am I who gets distracted? Just a false self image. Watch yourself be here now. Watch yourself listen to mad season river of deceit. Watch yourself want to make your best work. Watch yourself want to remember to be the watcher. I am aware. I am aware. I am aware. I am aware. I am aware. I am aware.

I am aware of the shame. I am aware of the sadness. I am aware of the resentment, the resistance, the seeking. I can choose to be aware. Be the watcher. Witness the witness.

I am aware.

Watch yourself want to change the tune. I am saying yes to what is. Yes I am listening to grunge music that makes me feel ancient feelings. Yes I am thinking about heroin a lot because i'm reading a heroin addiction memoir (never tried the stuff myself). But it's similar in a subtle way to kratom.

ANyway, Yes I am thinking about kratom. Yes I am acknowledging that I have decided it is off limits to me now. Yes I am wanting to login to mychart and compare my blood pressure from the past 3 visits.

Yes I am so grateful for my free healthcare. Yes I can turn the boat and feel better. Yes I can choose to be creative and turn my pain into gold> Yes I can be the alchemist. Yes I can write more and more and get all this junk out. Yes I am enjoying my day now. Yes I am so grateful for the books and the wife and the music and the time and the summer. Yes I am so happy to be here. What a relief! Yes I am feeling better because I did my writing and felt my feelings and I feel optimistic again. Yes I intend to be the watcher today.

I am aware. I am aware of the focus or lack there of. I am aware of the shame or the acceptance .I am aware of the frustration or acceptance. I am aware of the moment. I am mindful of this moment. I am here now. I know I am here now.

Jessica Mullen
Living the magick life.