Watch yourself stand here and feel all sorts of out of sorts.
Watch yourself breathe in and think about your day. Watch yourself breathe out and think about what you have to do.
Watch yourself feel overwhelmed. Watch yourself be here now. Watch yourself try to come back to center. Watch yourself feel on edge. Watch yourself feel sensitive and irritable. WAtch yourself feel betrayed. WAtch yourself feel angry.
=== 3 hours later ===
Watch yourself breathe out. Watch yourself breathe in. Watch yourself unfocus your eyes. Watch yourself desperately want to listen to mooji. Watch yourself breathe in. Watch yourself breathe out. WAtch yourself breathe out and out and out and out.
Watch yourself think about your upcoming call. Watch yoursef feel the coffee churning in your stomach. WATch yourself wonder what will unfold. Watch yourself keep reminding yourself, without memory what is your problem?
Watch yourself stand here and try to remember I AM is enough. Watch yourself stand here and feel a little drained. Watch yourself wonder what you should do. Watch yourself wish you could have the kind of workout energy you had today every time. Watch yourself notice how anger is such a powerful fuel. Watch yourself wish to use your anger as fuel. WAtch yourself wish to feel motivated and have some direction.
Watch yoursef want to order more kratom. WAtch yourself feel annoyed that this is still a narrative. WAtch yourself stand here. Watch yourself feel a headache coming on. Watch yourself tell yourself to remember to take some advil when you're done. watch yourself want to. have a good attitude. watch yourself try to feel better. watch yourself try to notice what you re feelingbut youve already numbed out for the day.
Watch yourself wonder what you should do. Watch yourself wish you knew what to do. Watch yourself feel the need to expand your horizons. Watch yourself remind. yourself over and over, life takes care of life. get out of the way and life takes care of life. life takes care of life. without your memory what is your problem??
Watch yourself breathe out and sigh heavily. Watch yourself want to do anything but what you planned for. Watch yourself start to get tired of all the rain. Watch yourself want to have fun. watch yourself wish you had some friends who wanted to hang out. watch yourself stand here and feel shitty. watch yourself feel bad about yourself. watch yourself feel shame.
watch yourself feel like you suck. watch yourself feel like a failure. watch yourself feel itchy. watch yourself want to not feel your feelings and instead order some kratom. watch yourself watch the cycle perpetuate itself over and over and over and over. watch yourself wonder if youll ask for that ecg or whatever it is. watch yourself wonder and wonder and wonder. watch yourself remember the oracle deck card that says you never have to wonder.
watch yourself just now notice youre wearing headphones but not listening to anything. watch yourself wish for some new good music.
i want new music
i want friends i see regularly who inspire me and we create together
i want to stay as i am
i want to get out of the way and let life take care of life
i want to transcend this troubled mind
i want to feel good about myself again
watch yourself look at your word count and the time and roll your eyes. watch yourself feel furious withyourself for your bad attitude and for letting this go on for so long. watch yourself breathe in. watch yourself breathe out. i want to feel better! i want a good attitude! i want to know wher ethat anger went! I want to know how to use anger as fuel. i want to know how to feel better. i want to feel beter. i wantto have a good day and feel good about myself.
watch yourself remind yourself:
say yes to what is
love what is
I am saying yes to what is. Yes I am crabby. Yes I am angry. Yes I feel shame. Yes I feel so much confusion and instead of dealing with it i numb out or escape it. yes i am breathing out. yes i am wondering wtf to do. yes i am breathing in. yes i am breathing out. yes i am feeling like i wasted my life. yes i am feeling like i am worthless. yes i am feeling so much self hatred. yes i am feeling like i really fucked up. yes i am feeling extreme existenial dread. yes i am feeling sad. yes i am feeling bad. yes i am feeling sadness, helplessness, anger. yes i am feeling helpless. like life, can you please come over here and take care of this life!?
yes i feel helpless. yes i feel like i made my bed and now i'm trapped in it. yes i feel like a hollow husk. yes i feel like a loser and like it's too late to "make something of myself". yes i feel like shit. yes i feel like a loser. yes i feel not even close to good enough. yes i know that
I AM is enough but the mind is so fucking loud today the mind is out of control the mind is driving me crazy why am i giving all this credence to the fucking mind?!
yes i am wishing to feel better. yes i want this wave of helplessness to pass. yes i want to feel good about myself. like i'm good enough. like i'm doing the right thing. i want to feel like i'm on the right path. i want some fucking relief. i want some fucking sign from the universe.
and there i go locking up the emotions again and pretending not to feel them. i am angry. i am sad. i am helpless. i am trying to be the watcher who comes before all the mind storm. i am is supposed to be enough. can i am be enough?!