Yes I am standing here what am i feeling
i am feeling scared, enthusiastically scared
fear is excitement with the brakes on i am feeling like stop the ride i am feeling anxious i am wanting something to numb i want to go to the head shop and get some kratom asap instead of working out

i am feeling anxious i am feeling unprepared i am feeling like at the top of a rollercoaster before it drops i am feeling scared and anxious i am feeling a tightness in my stomach

i am feeling an irritation like i want everything to go my way i want to control it i want it to go my way
i want to have fun and feel good and be numb and have something besides food to turn to to numb

yes i am looking for something to numb
what am i trying to numb
the fear the anxiety the uncertainty
the fear the anxiety
what am i feeling
panic shortness of breath
fear
anxiety
fear of timing fear of losing control fear of forgetting something important

yes i am feeling afraid
even that is perceived
even that is witnessed
i am witnessing the witness

yes i am watching my mind yes i am watching my emotions yes i am the witness
the mind is scrambling for things to grasp
food drug numb
because so afraid so uncertain so anxious
just want a buffer between me and the world
the mind the self image wants a protection from the world a bubble to separate it
it's the self image wanting the protection it's not the witness
the witness is watching the self image want protection the witness is watching the self image feel like a raw nerve
and im about to get my period and i always feel like a raw nerve when im about to get it
and i want to say fuck it can we please go to lake wood for some kratom

breathing in
breathing out

yes i am craving yes i am noticing the self image seeking for protection the self image is scared of what people think the self image is scared of criticism and being perceived and judged the self image is scared of seeing the past of being judged by the past

but all of this is witnessed
even this is witnessed
the witnessing is witnessed
how can i stay as the witness
the self image is who wants to stay as the witness the witness can't stop witnessing, cant change

there is no way to not stay as the witness
i am staying as i am the witness
pure awareness i am

even this is witnessed

the self image is grasping for food and kratom and crutches to numb and isolate itself from potential harm, from appetite, from conflict.
the self image doesn't want any conflict the self image wants to float in a lazy river
the self image wants protection, wants a numb bubble

but even this is witnessed
i am witnessing the self image grasp and crave and want to be numb want a bubble layer of protection
even this is witnessed
who am i who is witnessing
who am i
who am i how can i stay as this how can i stay as i am
there is no how because it is who / how i am

yes even this is witnessed i can come back to teh witness i can stay as. i am the witness.
i can stay as i am, the witness, i am staying as i am. the witness.

i can just say yes to it
i can ask what i'm feeling
i can stay as pure awareness and watch all the grasping
might be easier than giving into the self images demands for kratom and numbness, then i just have to start all over again............................

even this is witnessed
i am witnessing the back and forth of the mind
the indecisiveness
the want to control and the knowledge that i cannot control anything but my inner world i guess? my attention? can i even control my attention? i can control... nothing? i can just watch i can control my perspective i can choose my perspective

even this is witnessed even this is witnessed even this is witnessed
even this is witnessed even this is witnessed even this is witnessed
i am so in my head i don't see the witness, even this is witnessed

what am i feeling? impatient and rushed to finish this, to have an epiphany in one minute
impatient, i feel that a lot ok what does it feel like
like a pressure to hurry to get to the next thing so i can relax
but patience is relaxing here now i can choose to relax here now i am relaxing here now i am patient here now.

i am letting go of control
even this is witnessed. the self image claiming it will let go of control
the self image is constantly playing with the puzzles of should i shouldnt i what to do how do i feel
but i can just

even this is witnessed
even this is witnessed
even this is witnessed
even this is witnessed
even this is witnessed
even this is witnessed

i can stay as i am, the witness
even this is witnessed
the mind stops to think about packing
about, if this happens then this if this happens then i need this
playing out all the possible routes of outcome
but even this is witnessed
even this is witnessed
i don't need to play out every possible outcome
i can stay as i am the witness
i see how there are no words to be the witness because that's all the self image playing it's duality
if then
what if
so many ifs

i am staying as i am
even this is witnessed
even this is witnessed
even this is witnessed

what am i feeling?
calmer
sigh of relief
even this is witnessed
how to stay here?
i just am