Loving What Is

Jessica Mullen

Loving What Is

Watch yourself feel burnt out and tired. Watch yourself wish it was still your birthday! Watch yourself feel drained and disappointed. Watch yourself remember the new moon and set an intention: I am loving what is. I am loving the abyss.

I am loving sitting in this chair. I am loving saying yes to what is. Yes I am sitting in this chair. Yes I am doing my writing. Yes I went back to bed this morning. Yes I am hungry. Yes I am breathing out. Yes I am resisting. Yes I am feeling drained. Yes I wish I felt more energized. Yes I am breathing out. Yes I am breathing out. Yes I am nervous. Yes I feel like snapping.

I am loving breathing out. I am loving hearing noises from the other room. I am loving that at least it's the weekend. I am loving that it's sunny. I am loving not having the pressure of my bday anymore. I am loving that i get to cook today. I am loving feeling crabby. I am loving feeling like I need so much more coffee. I am loving that i get to eat breakfast soon. I am loving that at least i didn't binge. I am loving that i have money to blow.

I am loving that it's saturday and daylight savings time is starting.

I am loving getting up to the sun. I am loving that it's almost breakfast. I am loving that I can turn it around in my writing. i am loving that i feel crabby. i am loving having a human experience. i am loving having a cat and a wife. I am loving breathing out. I am loving laughing with my wife. I am loving that we get to take our bikes in for a tune up. i am loving being light. i am loving being here now. i am loving surrendering to what is.

i am loving what is. i am loving being 39 years old. i am loving being here now. i am loving being human. i am loving emancipator. I am loving listening to music. I am loving that i can turn my mood around with writing. I am loving that i can focus and set intentions and make new decisions. I am loving breathing in. I am loving breathing out.

I am loving having the best wife in the world. I am loving that she takes care of me. i am loving that i can turn it around. i am loving that i am craving things outside of me to make me feel better. i am loving that i am desperately craving kratom. i am loving that i am wanting to throw it all away and get fucked up. i am loving that i am craving. i am loving that i am desperate to alter my consciousness. i am loving that i feel drained and depressed. i am loving that i woke up crabby. i am loving that i have to go back to my normal life. i am loving that i am disappointed in myself. i am loving that i am breathing out. i am loving that i am breathing in. i am loving that i get to cook today. i am loving that i don't have any calls today. i am loving that i am breathing in. i am loving breathing out. i am loving that it's cold out today and we're going to do our grit hiit class. i am loving that i am resisting going back to normal life. i am loving that i am resisting working out. i am loving that i am struggling with my body so much. i am loving that i do this to myself.

i am loving that i hate sitting in this chair but im too lazy to set up the standing desk. i am loving that i am crabby and tiny little things like the cursor getting moved by my palm is enough to make my cortisol spike. i am loving that i don't have any fucking chemicals to blunt the feeling of irritation. i am loving that i still don't know when i'll get a dr appointment. i am loving that my mind is running through all the problems in my life. i am loving that i am so crabby even though it's supposed to be my "feeling good" part of my cycle.

i am loving being in a bad mood. i am loving feeling like i have to DO
i am loving that i have to work out and cook and fill orders and clean up cat shit and clean my body and my house and my dishes. i am loving that i feel depressed and fat. lmao.

i am loving that i am hearing the neighbor's noises and it's annoying. i am loving that i am annoyed by everything today. i am loving that i feel like a raw exposed nerve. i am loving that it's cold out today. i am loving that i am so crabby. i am loving that i need an attitude adjustment. i am loving that i feel BORED with the SAME OLD SHIT. i am loving that i am in a bad mood. i am loving that i went back to bed this morning because i was already depressed at 8am. i am loving my birthday hangover. i am loving feeling like shit. i am loving feeling like a failure and a loser. i am loving that i am fighting what is. i am loving that i am shoulding on myself. i am loving that i am resisting my normal life that i normally love.

i am loving that i want to cry. i am loving that i am in a bad mood. i am loving that i am dragging my feet. i am loving that this is an abyss and i'm worried about my weight and my chores and my to do list. i am loving that i am being petty and small minded. i am loving that i am focused on the small picture. i am loving that i am torturing myself with my thoughts. i am loving that i craving kratom SO FUCKING BAD.

i am loving that i am craving. i am loving that i am crabby. i am loving that i am craving kratom so i can feel chemical euphoria and the false merkaba of a chemical stimulant. i just want a little help! i just want something to take the edge off that doesn't make me fucking hungry! i am loving that i am being a petulant brat. i am loving that i am breathing out a sigh of relief. i don't feel much better but i can still love what is even when my mind thinks it sucks.

Jessica Mullen
Living the magick life.