Standing Up to My Thoughts

Jessica Mullen

Standing Up to My Thoughts

Jessica Mullen
Watch yourself feel crabby. Watch yourself feel pissed because lint shit on the floor 3x in the night. WAtch yourself play your music really loud and look behind you to see lint jumping in the bed. Watch yourself feel mad at yourself for getting mad at a cat. Watch yourself feel frustrated. Watch yourself want to change. Watch yourself feel annoyed. Watch yourself feel depressed because nothing sounds fun. Watch yourself want a new book to read. Watch yourself want a new artist to listen to. Emancipator is wonderful but you're almost out of flavor.

Watch yourself breathe out and try to get a better attitude. Watch yourself wish you felt better. Watch yourself notice you feel like this in the late winter lots of years. First in 2011, you were chugging wine because you didn't know what else to do. Then last year you were feeling nearly suicidal and had to buy kratom. This year the kratom is not an option... which sucks.

Watch yourself feel disappointed in yourself and pissed at inconveniences and depressed that nothing sounds fun. Like there's nothing to live for and you're past your prime. Watch yourself feel frustrated that you still crave substances to fix your emotional problems. Watch yourself breathe in deep and wonder how you're going to feel better today.

Watch yourself feel pain in your back and tell yourself to put your standing desk together. YOU CAN'T SIT LIKE THIS ANYMORE!

Watch yourself set up your standing desk and feel a little better. Watch yourself feel so mad that you're mad. Watch yourself feel disappointed you're disappointed. Watch yourself wish you could still take kratom. Watch yourself wish you could stand up to your body. Watch yourself wish you had something that always worked. Watch yourself wish for adderall or something. Watch yourself feel drained and depleted and scummy and dragging.

Watch yourself want to have a good day. There are a few things you're interested in. Walking in the 50ยบ. Maybe going out to lunch. Getting back into hemisync. Getting massaged.

I just want to feel good about myself!!!!

Watch yourself breathe in and feel frustrated. Watch yourself breathe out and want to have a good day. Watch yourself want drugs! Watch yourself want uppers! Stimulants! Something! Something to get me out of my head and into some energy!

Watch yourself feel sad that you wasted an hour of your life being mad at a cat who you love so much. Watch yourself feel sad that you wasted precious moments with your 19 yo cat being mad. Watch yourself feel guilty for not having a better handle on your emotions. Watch yourself wish to be in control!!!

Watch yourself feel so pissed at your body and wonder how you're going to conquer it. Watch yourself know that that's the problem: you're trying to conquer your body, instead of just love it as it is.

Watch yourself feel so pissed at your messy chaotic mind. Watch yourself notice you're frowning and tell yourself to stop making fucking wrinkles in your forehead. Watch yourself turn your music up louder to drown out the thoughts.

Watch yourself breathe out and try to commit to changing. Watch yourself tell yourself that you know how to feel good now JUST DO IT!!!!!!!!!

Watch yourself want to feel better. Watch yourself try to take control back of your life.

Watch yourself try to come up with a new focus, a new thought, something to give you back your grip. Watch yourself know that control is letting go.... so LET GO.

I am letting go of trying to control. I am letting go of my fight with what is. I am no longer going to fight what is. I am going to say yes to what is.

Yes linty shit on the floor 3x. Yes I got angry. Yes I feel depressed. Yes I am frustrated with my body. Yes I want to change my attitude. Yes my attitude sucks. Yes I am feeling bitchy and crabby. Yes I am frustrated with minor details. Yes I am missing my therapist from 15 years ago. Yes I am breathing out. yes I am trying to let go of control. Yes I am trying to surrender. Yes I am trying to stop resisting. Yes I want a major epiphany like BK and tolle had. Yes I want to feel better. Yes I want to feel better. Yes I want to feel less depressed. Yes I want to feel good about life. Yes I want a shortcut to feeling good. Yes I want a miracle. Yes I want to get away from my thoughts. Yes I know the trying to escape my thoughts is creating the pain of resistance. There is no me that is separate from my thoughts. There is no me that is separate from anything else.

Yes I can say yes to what is. Yes to the feeling of frustration. Yes to emancipator losing its flavor. Yes to wanting to feel better. Yes to wanting to have a good day. Yes to this attitude. Yes I can say yes to it.

I know that nothing needs to change, only my thinking. I know that all thoughts are untrue and I am feeling bad because I have thoughts I haven't questioned. Yes I am breathing in. Yes I am breathing out. Yes I want to get my mind in order. Yes I want to just remember to watch my thoughts because I know I can't control my thoughts. Yes I am watching my thoughts.

Yes I am standing here, feeling a little better. yes I am standing here. Yes I am judging myself. yes I am sad guilty depressed. Yes I am feeling a tiny bit hopeful that it can get better today.

Today I intend to
- count (400)
- chant (nmrk)
- say yes to what is
- SURRENDER

I am focused. I am saying yes to what is. I am loving what is. I am flexible and flowing. I am surrendering. I can feel good regardless of circumstance. I do feel good regardless of circumstance. I can stand up to my thoughts. I am standing up to my thoughts. I am living the magick life!

Jessica Mullen
Living the magick life.