This is a template from Carolyn Elliott in Existential Kink:

Oh no, if only there was something I could do to stop the inevitable arrival of this magnificent new ________. This is so awful. Now I have _____. It’s utterly disgusting. I’m really grieving that my _____ is coming to this tragic and decisive end. It’s just that I’m powerless over this new _________. I just know it’s unavoidably going to happen—ugh. I really wish it was somehow possible for me to escape this relentless, terrifying fate of being completely fulfilled in ________.

My turn:
Oh no, if only there was something I could do to stop the inevitable arrival of this magnificent new minivan! This is so awful. Now I have a minivan I have to insure, park, and maintain. It's utterly disgusting. I'm really grieving that my car-free life is coming to this tragic and decisive end. It's just that I'm powerless over this new upgrade in transportation. I just know it's unavoidably going to happen--ugh. I really wish it was somehow possible for me to escape this relentless, terrifying fate of being completely fulfilled in mobility and travel!

Oh no, if only there was something I could do to stop the inevitable arrival of these magnificent new royalties! This is so awful. Now I have all these royalties I have to pay taxes on. It's utterly disgusting. I'm really grieving that my miser-mode life is coming to this tragic and decisive end. It's just that I'm powerless over this new huge increase in income. I just know it's unavoidably going to happen--ugh. I really wish it was somehow possible for me to escape this relentless, terrifying fate of being completely fulfilled financially!!

Today's mental codes:

• I am loving what is. (If that doesn't work, go onto the next:)
• I'm going to stop pretending I don't like __________. I'm giving myself permission to enjoy ______. (And if you're still overwhelmed etc, chant:)
• Nam myoho renge kyo. Love yeah love! (And if you're present or high enough, try:)
• Look!

Watch yourself stand at your desk. Watch yourself write for the first time since Pwny died. Watch yourself miss Pwny but also feel free. Watch yourself feel relieved. Watch yourself wonder yet again if you should post something on the gram about her. Watch yourself breathe in. Watch yourself breathe out and notice the reminder on your phone: I am loving what is.

Watch yourself remember the Byron Katie book you checked out. Watch yourself feel so much love for the library. Watch yourself want to have a good day. Watch yourself want to relax and stop worrying so much. Watch yourself breathe in and stand up straighter. Watch yourself breathe out and relax your body. Watch yourself remember the order that has to go out tomorrow. Watch yourself feel so grateful for all the orders. Watch yourself listen to the humidifiers.

Watch yourself breathe in and feel tightness in your back. Watch yourself breathe out and wonder what K wants for dinner. Watch yourself wonder if you'll do class or record the fun show today. Watch yourself wonder what tf you'll talk about on the fun show.

Fun show topics:

• Celebration of Pwny
• How to deal with death and grieving: crying, distraction, cleaning, shopping/splurging (hbo, WF, ipad), weed, tv, not food, nmrk miracles
• Great expectations
• The space the fertile space for something new
• i am loving what is / i'm going to stop pretending i don't like
• BMJ: Accepting page, saying yes to Pwny's passing
• Movie night on zoom
• Current interests: hamilton, signal, getting back into tapes, cleaning/organizing
• Almost 5 years sober... cleaning up shit
• If you had to make a zine what would it be
• Dreaming big for sold: hiring people to do branding, photos, app, website / what would we do with investment money

Well hopefully that's enough...

I am deciding it's enough. It's enough. I have enough. What I have to say is enough.

I am focused. I am in the flow. I am saying yes to what is. I am loving what is! I am focused. I am love yeah love. I am flexible and flowing. I am so excited to work out! I am feeling playful and light. I am making my best work. I am in the flow. I am doing everything right. I am so grateful for all I Have.

I am letting life live me. I am focused. I am saying yes to what is. I am counting and chanting and breathing consciously. I am saying yes to what is. I am loving what is. I am loving what is. jessica I love and accept you exactly the way you are.

I am light. I am relieved. I am trusting the process of life. I am here for fun! I am letting life live me. I am feeling good in my body. I am feeling strong. I am so grateful for my house and health and Keke and kitty. I am so grateful pwny is at peace. I am so grateful for the 18 years we had together. I am so grateful she isn't suffering anymore.

I am focused. I am saying yes to what is. I am in the flow. I am love yeah love. I am chanting and counting and breathing consciously. I am loving what is. I am loving what is. I am excited for the next chapter of my life. I am loving what is. I am saying yes to what is> I am accepting what is. I am loving what is.

I am making my best work. I am trusting the process of life.

Here's today's to-not-give-a-fuck-about list:

• Mailbox/outgoing
• Pump or grit or walk
• Finish Faire order
• Record
• Post video
• Zoom date
• Record Fun Show
• OF post
• Clean coffee grinder

I am loving what is. I am loving what is. I'm going to stop pretending I don't like being hungry. I give myself permission to enjoy being hungry! I am loving what is. I am loving what is. I am loving what is. I am loving what is!