Digesting The Depression

Jessica Mullen

Digesting The Depression

Jessica Mullen

AlAn Watts says you have to digest the depression to eliminate its poisons.

Watch yourself want to excavate and explore your behavior but stall once it's time to write words down. Watch yourself feel sick from making yourself sick. Watch yourself remember what you said last night,

"As long as I keep eating, I don't have to deal with this."

This being the sick cat, the literal shitshow, the exhaustion.

Then this morning I woke up, feeling sick, and still having to deal with the shit. Just like drinking. I used the food as a drug, to numb, to feel something other than the sadness and exhaustion.

This morning I still had to clean up the shit, and so I tried to digest as I did it. Tried to say yes to it. And I saw, I judge the cleaning up the shit, I don't want to clean up the shit, I want to sit at my computer or in meditation or whatever I want to do with my time. But I have to clean up shit. And I start to add up the minutes and hours spent cleaning up shit, and I resent having to clean up so much shit. The shit coming to a head. So much shit. And I resist it because who wants to spend their time cleaning up shit?

So I kept cleaning up the shit, because what choice do I have? Plus first thing in the morning it is easier, my mind is quieter, I have my will to live back. You pick up the pieces and you move on. You pick up the pieces, you move on. You pick up the pieces of shit, you move on. Maybe you get to sit at your computer for 15 minutes before the laundry timer goes off. The shitty towels ready to go in the dryer.

And when I am able to be present and stop resisting the shit cleaning so much, it's not bad,. It's no worse way to spend my time than doing anything else. Scrolling, eating, whatever. It's fine. I don't have to label it as bad. I clean up the shit, I move on. I was resenting having to clean up the shit.

BEcause it means my cat is sick and her finite time here is ticking. ANd I don't want to be constantly reminded of death. It's depressing. ANd I run away from the depression, because how am I going to stay in control if I'm depressed?

So I eat, the only real drug I have left. I have a sober timer for it on my app. Every time I eat more than 2500 calories, I have to reset it. I've reset it 5 times since sept 29 2020. Last night being the 5th.

So I ate instead of digesting my depression. So the poisons of depression are still in me. Well, they were until this morning. When I started saying yes to cleaning up the shit. It's not that I have to look forward to cleaning it up, but i can't resent it or avoid it. I just have to say yes to it, it's just part of the dance, equal to anything else I do with my time.

So here I am digesting my depression. Digesting my sadness.

Yes my cat is old. Yes she shits all over the house. Yes I spend at least an hour in the morning cleaning up after old cats. Yes I resented this until now because it meant theyre aging and theyre going to die. And I don't want that, I want the unchanging peace of happy purring cats and I can do my work and control my body in peace.

So it's like... addiction really is this resistance to change. Wanting things to stay the same, unable to cope with change, especially the sad change of a decomposing world.

So I listen to music from 2004. When Pwny was 3 years old. And I was depressed for different reasons, running away from it, digesting it in therapy occasionally. But usually just running, drinking, poison poison poison.

I ate like 15 maple oreos. Cramming in, anything but feeling how sad I felt. How much I resent my cat getting old.

Even though I'd already been crying off and on all day. Exhausted.

So i reset my app and I'd love to start digesting my depression and eliminating its poisons. In the moment, when it happens. Instead of numbing. And then having to digest later, when it hurts more. When I already regret.

Gotta make some art from the pain, that's the only solution obviously.

So sick of myself.

So I'll say I'm starting over today, and I am. But I'm not trying to control my poor animal body. I just want to digest my depression and eliminate its poisons.

I am digesting my depression and eliminating its poisons.
i am digesting my depression and eliminating its poisons.

I'll make some art from this. I'll feel better. I'll find the other side of the wave.

So today

I am digesting my depression, i am eliminating its poisons
i am saying yes to what is

yes to the sadness
yes to the cleaning up the shit
yes to the constant shit dripping out of her asshole
yes to listening to music from 2004
yes to reliving this pattern for the 5th time in 4 months
yes to getting better at this pattern this time
yes to digesting the depression
i can't believe i have to feel
yes to having to feel instead of turning to drugs
yes to feeling
yes to feeling sad

at least my 5 year soberversary is in 3 and a half weeks

yes i will say yes
yes i will stop resisting
yes i will say yes
yes i will stop resisting

even though i feel defeated
i still totally and completely love & accept & forgive myself

breathing in i bring energy into my crown chakra
breathing out i activate my crown chakra

breathing in i bring energy into my third eye chakra
breathing out i activate my third eye chakra

breathing in i bring energy into my throat chakra
breathing out i activate my throat chakra

breathing in i bring energy into my heart chakra
breathing out i activate my heart chakra

breathing in i bring energy into my solar plexus chakra
breathing out i activate my solar plexus chakra

breathing in i bring energy into my navel chakra
breathing out i activate my navel chakra

breathing in i bring energy into my root chakra
breathing out i activate my root chakra

thank you for helping me digest my emotions and eliminate their poisons
thank you for helping me digest my emotions and eliminate their poisons
thank you for helping me digest my emotions and eliminate their poisons

Jessica Mullen
Living the magick life.

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