The Pleasure of Presence

Jessica Mullen

The Pleasure of Presence

Jessica Mullen
Grateful I can choose to have a good attitude. Grateful to feel strong and energized. Grateful for my health and wife and kitties and home. Grateful for electricity and gas and for our kitchen and bathroom. Grateful we can afford to live here. Grateful for plenty of money. Grateful for perfect timing.

Grateful I can relax. Grateful I can trust the process of life. Grateful I can surrender my preferences. Grateful I can trust the wild horses. Grateful I can surrender. Grateful I can let go. Grateful I can lighten up and feel good. Grateful to be here now. Grateful I know it's all working out for me. Grateful I know what I know. Grateful it's getting easier to let go.

Watch yourself hear your phone buzz. Watch yourself get great news! Watch yourself feel excited because a package of cookies from our friend is out for deliver! Watch yourself lighten up. Watch yourself relax and make your best work. Watch yourself breathe in a lighten up. Watch yourself let go of your resistance. Watch yourself trust the process of life. Watch yourself get distracted. Watch yourself want to write more. Watch yourself take one step in the direction of the flow. Watch yourself run through the list of possible things you can put in your mouth. Watch yourself chew gum. Watch yourself wonder if you should cancel the deep dream patreon. Watch yourself wish for motivation. Watch yourself feel tension in your back.

Watch yourself get distracted by your phone for 5 more minutes. Watch yourself feel your feet ache from standing in these kids shoes. Watch yourself wonder if you're really going to work out. Watch yourself half heartedly roll the gum around your mouth. Watch yourself breathe out. Watch yourself wonder where the next hit of pleasure is going to come from. Watch yourself tell yourself the pleasure needs to come from presence.

Presence = pleasure and it's always available.

Ok so I want to be present. Please make me present.

Watch yourself wake up in the dream. Watch yourself watch your thoughts, running through the list of things still left to do today:
- work out
- post meditation video
- order a comp for the new journal
- cook dinner
- vote
- record a new video

Watch yourself get overwhelmed all over again at the list. Not because it's hard stuff to do. Just because it's a lot and you just want to relax and read and meditate. Watch yourself hope you work out before you get hungry again. Watch yourself feel frustrated and disappointed. Watch yourself reach for the chapstick.

Watch yourself watch the chapstick roll off the desk behind the trayble. Watch yourself spit out your gum. Watch yourself hear KC walk into the bathroom and talk to pwny. Watch yourself breathe out. Watch yourself breathe out. Watch yourself breathe out. Watch yourself breathe out.

Watch yourself remember that you're tired of this pandemic. Watch yourself breathe in. Watch yourself breathe out and out and out and out, trying to push all the air out so you can get a full breath. Watch yourself wonder what you're going to buy on amazon with those gift cards.

Watch yourself see a light shine in the corner of your eye and have no idea what caused it. Watch yourself breathe out. Watch yourself breathe out. Watch yourself feel pinpricks of sweat because it suddenly got too warm in here. Watch yourself breathe in. Watch yourself keep craving a full breath. Watch yourself yawn and finally find one.

Watch yourself breathe out and remember presence = pleasure. Watch yourself remember your shopping list. Watch yourself remember you wanted to add inventory numbers to the school site. Watch yourself hope you resolved the hack. Watch yourself wonder if you need to reupload those last two images. Watch yourself remember the old podcast videos.

Watch yourself scroll down to the word count. 646 words. Watch yourself see K come in your office wanting to talk about the journal. Watch yourself talk about nudging images. Watch yourself sit with Pwny on your lap. Watch her step off to curl up on a blanket. Watch yourself step back to your computer. Watch yourself breathe a little more easily. The comp is almost ready.

Watch yourself watch your eyes flick up to the gmail tab, looking for new emails. Watch yourself constantly seek a hit of pleasure. Watch yourself see it's 4:02pm and you're supposed to work out by 4. Watch yourself breathe in. Watch yourself breathe out and out and out and out and out and out and out and out.

Watch yourself scroll the window a little to make room for more writing. Watch yourself look for a hit of pleasure. Watch yourself breathe out and out and out. Watch yourself remind yourself of the vertical present moment. It's infinite here. How can I be infinite here?

Watch yourself breathe out and out and out and out. Watch yourself feel like you need to do so much. Watch yourself pet linty and wonder if the neighbors ever watch you in your office. Watch yourself tell yourself you need to turn the heat down. Watch yourself watch yourself nag yourself. Watch yourself feel nagged. Watch yourself feel overwhelmed.

Watch yourself hear your phone ring and feel relieved when it's a rando new jersey number. Watch yourself breathe out. Watch yourself breathe out. Watch yourself not give a fuck about much today. Watch yourself wonder if you should skip class. Watch yourself hate how much you wonder. Watch yourself want to turn your mind off. Watch yourself wish you could turn your body on. Watch yourself breathe out and out and out.

Watch yourself scroll to check the word count again, 943 words. Watch yourself breathe in. Watch yourself want to feel better. Watch yourself feel drained because you are questioning the decision to work out. Never question the decision. Watch yourself know you'll feel better if you work out. Watch yourself feel annoyed. Watch yourself close your eyes and wish you could work out outside today. Watch yourself feel annoyed and wonder if it's just the coffee. Watch yourself want to feel better.

Breathing in I am god breathing in
Breathing out I am god breathing out.

I am choosing the vertical infinity of presence. I am choosing the pleasure of presence.

Jessica Mullen
Living the magick life.