Yesterday we walked to the lake and it was really crowded. We turned back before getting to the sand because no one was distancing! We decided to order k some platform beer delivery and I decided to order some kratom. 4 months off is pretty great right? So I'm going back to it and it's a little weird but it's way better than drinking. I had a suicidal thought yesterday which is what pushed me over the edge. If I'm that emotionally disturbed, I'd rather have a substance to reach for than a razor blade. I know that's not exactly how it works out in addiction programs but all I can do is me.
It's like I want to be totally sober but just not that bad! I want something to take the edge off in quar! I am grateful to have the money to order it. I am excited! And this way there is no way I will return to alcohol.
Today I woke up at 5:51 am to check instacart to see if there were any delivery slots available. There was one for April 22 (TWO. WEEKS. FROM. YESTERDAY). So I jumped on it. Went back to sleep and dreamed about telling people how to get a slot. So grateful to finally get a slot!!
Woke up around 9, did the rags and started a loaf of bread. K got up and did the litter. Ate breakfast (yog and granola) and then her beer got delivered! Then we did CX and got dressed. We ate lunch (toast) then meditated. We made some DIY coffee filter bandana masks and walked to the farm stand! Got spinach and collards! Now we don't have to go to save a lot!
Walked home and k started the laundry. Got 3 ups packages delivered. Oh yeah joy sent us a ton of candy in the mail! A huge bag of mini candy bars, lindor truffles (60 of them!) And a big box of jif pb packs!! And a movie to watch! Best sister in the world award!
Ate some almond butter and cashews and a piece of candy. About to eat some frozen chili for dinner. Then movie night!
Just had dinner. Small bowl of chili with diced onions. We have 5 white onions left. I think one of the most intense parts of quar is having to meal plan. And we meal plan like it's our job already... so it's weird that it gets overwhelming. But really it's more of a fun challenge. First of all, getting an instacart slot is like a sport. I mean, when was the last time I woke up before 6 to try to win a lottery of sorts?
I know I'm very lucky and blessed to even have the ability to CONSIDER getting grocery delivery. I am so fucking grateful for our home and for my our health and for the spring weather. I am so grateful we live near someone who sells greens on the street. I am so grateful to have a couple streaming services to entertain me. I am so grateful to have siblings and friends who THINK OF ME and compliment me and send me packages in the mail. I am so grateful to have healthy parents who love me. I am so grateful to have a supportive MIL who is always cheering us on.
I am so grateful to get the fuck out of my head! I am so grateful to relax and remember what I know! I am the creator! I can be here now! I can remember! I can remember!
I want to be a little more intentional about the kratom... when I quit in december I was taking about 7 grams a day. I just want to go light... not develop dependence... and be able to let it go when it's time. I can't believe I ordered it!!
Reports from quar.
So today we left the house and encountered closely only J and her partner at the farmstand. J handed us grocery bags of our greens. I handed her my credit card, and she used a traditional credit card machine. Then she handed me my card and receipt. She nor her partner wore masks or gloves. K and I both wore coffee filter bandana masks and light polyester winter gloves. We've been washing our hands like crazy.
We put the bags of collards straight in the fridge without wiping them down or anything. I washed my hands after handling everything. Same w/ K's beer. Put it in the fridge, then she poured one in a glass and washed her hands before drinking.
It's a lot to think about and sometimes during the day like when we're about to leave the house I get really crabby because I get overwhelmed and frustrated having to think about sharing a doorknob with a neighbor. ANd how much protection do these little winter gloves provide?
I never touch my face when out. Yesterday I took pictures at the lake and wiped my phone down with alcohol when we got back.
The cool part of the experience is that it makes every human interaction so loaded and meaningful. Like, we REALLY want to be here right now, buying spinach from you. We are REALLY grateful for your service. For taking the risk selling to multiple people throughout the day. No PPE. And we stood way back from this other person in a mask in line in front of us. I can't believe the whole country knows what PPE is now.
So much to think about.
Tomorrow we are making Ethiopian lentils and collard greens to have with our loaf of bread. We took down these chickpeas from the freezer to make peanut stew too, before we had obtained the greens. So now we're going to make the peanut stew the day after tomorrow.
I definitely understand the whole great depression thing now... don't want to waste a single scrap of food, nor "garbage" or "piece of recycling". We've been saving a lot of cardboard to use for potential cleaning material. But our 100% recycled unbleached paper towels arrived (they weren't supposed to get here until late april) and we are really grateful to have those to clean (cat shit) with.
I do wish I was gardening... but that just gets so overwhelming and it would be a competition for back yard space. Idk when I will garden but I WILL.