I am backdating this post for visual consistency but I am writing this on April 9th, after I wrote the Pro Plan Day 22 entry. I meant to do some writing yesterday, and I still feel like writing more today so here I am.
Last night we zoomed with B for a couple hours and it was so fun! Zoom is by far the superior video streaming platform compared to skype. And it's more accessible to everyone than facebook (which has the best video I've tried otherwise. facetime is as bad as skype).
B complimented us on our workout consistency which was very appreciated and encouraging. I hate admitting it but external motivation and praise really helps me a lot. Youtube comments, kind words from friends. I live for it! I know I was trained to care about external praise my whole school career, and I know I should feel worth on my own. But here we are! I know I have worth but I just salivate at the carrot dangling of praise.
I want to write something meaningful.
So yeah, kratom.
I am stunned into a bit of silence. Like I gave up trying to master my mind. I gave in. I got overwhelmed. Gave up. Asked for chemical help. Self medicating. Something to help me cope. Some people have alcohol. That doesn't work for me anymore.
Herbal remedy helps A LOT though. I just can't be doing that all day every day or I'll just be constantly hungry and tired. 120.5 today and I'm not trying to go any higher! Ordering that celebration 4 weeks in quar pizza the other night really did a number on me. I went unconscious.
I wanted to be unconscious!
So I'm hoping the kratom helps a little with wanting to go unconscious. I certainly do want to be here now... but I get so scared. And overwhelmed. And I just want to have fun you know?
I really want to get back to work, I feel like I've taken time off from "the work" but I am here writing right now so my thoughts need to lay off! Get off my back! I'm doing the work right fucking now bitch!
I started reading the untethered soul by michael singer again in hopes it will help me remember to be the observer more. I've been slacking on filling out my MMR too. I feel so lazy... like it takes all my energy to grocery shop online, figure out our meals, obtain the ingredients, cook the meals, store the meals, do the dishes, and then of course work out and meditate. THose are our priorities other than sleeping. Work out, meal plan, cook, eat nutritious food (most of the time). Eat enough cheese that we don't go craving crazy or too unconscious.
Time for movie night!
I intend to be grateful and intentional and just enjoy every breath.
I intend to be conscious and mindful and adventurous. I intend to love.