Hello world, today I cried. I guess the unconscious stress got to me. I want to return my emails but I need to take a nap first. Today it feels like quar is a pain my ass because my glutes are beyond sore from working out. Luckily K is going to liberate me later.

Thank god I am assembling my standing desk though. Much better for the posture and energy levels.

I got up at 930 and definitely woke up on the wrong side of the bed due to a certain kitty's misbehaving.

Took care of the prag laundry, cleaned up after the cats, and then K got up. Oh and my wireless keyboard got delivered, an integral portion of my new standing desk setup.

My intentions today are:
- record 2 meditation videos
- relax and be nice to myself
- return my emails
- stick to my meal plan
- express myself instead of self harming with twitter etc

I want to focus my attention and feel better, so let's go ahead with that shall we?

I am so grateful for my health and kitties and wife and home. I am so grateful for my friends and family. I am so grateful for perfect timing. I am so grateful I can choose to take a rest day. I am so grateful I can choose to feel better. I am so grateful I can get my pain tolerance back up. I am so grateful I can lighten up and enjoy life. I am so grateful for Bright Eyes. I am so grateful for inspiring people like
Brittany
Hamilton
Anna and Dasha
Ramin
Conor Oberst

So grateful to always have plenty. SO grateful to have plenty of food. So grateful to have 8 eight apples. SO grateful to have internet! So grateful to let go of my stress. So grateful I can surrender to the flow.

I've noticed I'm feeling down today and that's ok. I've noticed listening to Bright eyes gives me flashbacks to walking through Urbana in college, 21 years old, listening to my ipod in the snow and that's ok.

I've noticed I am frustrated and that's ok. I've noticed I am feeling out of control and that's ok. I've noticed I feel disappointed and that's ok. I've noticed I want to hide under my desk and that's ok. I've noticed I am resisting a lot today and that's ok. I've noticed I'm very disappointed about not going to texas and that's ok. I've noticed I want to see my parents and that's ok. I've noticed I'm worried about my family and that's ok. I've noticed I want someone to take care of me and tell me it will be ok and that's ok.

I've noticed I want to cry more and that's ok. I've noticed I am pressuring myself to be better at controlling my vibration and that's ok. I've noticed I want artificial energy and that's ok. I've noticed I want to have fun with friends and that's ok. I've noticed I just want to scroll the news and that's ok.

I've noticed I wish I could be more present and that's ok. I've noticed I'm beating myself up for getting distracted and that's ok. I've noticed I'm not writing about the pro plan and that's ok.

I am conscious of the inner presence as my lavish abundance.

SO that's where i get tripped out. It's been hard the past couple days to be conscious of the inner presence. I had a nice peak experience/epiphany the other day while meditating and since then I've been beating myself up for not being as conscious of the inner presence. It's like I get a glimpse of how good I COULD feel, and I get so obsessed with that feeling and I want to replicate it every moment from now on.

And then i get mad at myself for not being able to just exist up there in that high vibration of KNOWING. That high vibration of peace and calm and distance from drama. That high vibration of being the watcher.

ANd then I hear about other peoples' dmt trips and I get so jealous and I just want some dmt to tell me everything is going to be ok. That's what I'm really looking for. Some higher power, some drug to tell me it's all going to be ok. I want to see the bigger picture and I get so sad that I can't see the bigger picture all the time.

But I did remember last night that I have the choice to be my meditating self, the person who makes meditation videos. I can access that state ANY TIME. So I am relieved that I Remembered about that kind of access... I do know how to always be connected.

Breathe in and be here now
Breathe out and just be here now. listen to the music. listen to the music. let all the breath out. let go of it all. start over.

JUST SHUT THE EMAIL DOWN OK.

Breathe in and lighten up You are allowed!
Breathe out and just relax your body

I've noticed I am beyond distracted and that's ok!

Breathe in and just be here now.
Breathe out and just be here now.

everything has meaning. everything has weight. every detail is intentional. just observe and watch it all. just relax and be here now.

breathe in and say yes!
breathe out and say thank you!

you can do this! you can do this! you can do this! You are perfectly capable! You are the most capable! You can do this!

BReathe in and lighten uP! It's fine!
Breathe out and be patient! It's all working out! Trust the process! It's all working out! Relax and let it be fun and easy! Relax and be here now. Stop thinking about ALL THAT OTHER SHIT! Just FOCUS ON RIGHT NOW

Breathe in and be here now
BReathe out and be here now
just relax just relax just relax just relax just relax

everything is going to be ok
you know this i know this

relax and enjoy it!

what feels fun???