It's day 7 and I am dragggginnnngggg. Got up at 1030 or so, drank coffee, cleaned up downstairs, ate pizza for breakfast, then went to open presents. Oh and I called my dad. Opened our glorious presents, watched some sewing tutorials on youtube, then ate a clif bar while walking to the lake and meditated on the rocks. Came home, called my family, ate toast and a smoothie, then went back upstairs to relax. We did our journaling and I used the lacrosse ball and hooped for a bit. Now we are so bored and I am so lazy but I really want to not slip into this habit of food as drug. It's hard at night. I'm trying to get back to this mindset... of food as fuel and not drug, since I am without my drug of choice.

Part of me just wants to order more. The suppressed appetite, the mild speedy feeling, the numbness--it's really great. I really love it. Too much, of course.

So I'm day 7 clean of kratom and on our walk home from the lake i realized I had some physical energy for the first time. I wanted to run. The last two times we walked to the lake i was really weak. So that's really nice. The energy is coming back. I will return to my innocent playful self eventually.

But the past few hours I have been totally wrecked and also bored. I want kratom and to dive into my work, or I want to eat pizza and brownies until I'm too full to feel.

I want to ESCAPE!!!

I counted to 10k today. The hole is filled while I count, but when I'm not counting the hole is OPEN for BUSINESS.

Just wondering what the point of it all is!

Hate asking What should I do? What should I do? I should know! I guess I'm doing it now...

Just want to feel inspired! Just want to feel like working! Just want to feel good! Just want some routine maybe. Just want to eat and eat and eat.

That did NOT take long. I'm no longer romanticizing the kratom but I just want to feel like a normal person with self control and discipline. Right, and I'm supposed to love those parts.

I'd like a massage please. I'd like some energy please. I'd like some passion and inspiration please. I'd like to enjoy life please. I'd like to feel like working on my work please!

I really want to feel like working out in the morning.

I intend to work out in the morning. I intend to wake up energized. I intend to feel good about myself. I intend to take care of myself. I intend to lighten up and have fun! I intend to feel better. I intend to feel good about myself. I intend to let this attachment go. I intend to meditate more and breathe consciously more.

It's like what can I DO to get past these thoughts that tell me kratom is the easiest path to where I want to be???

I don't feel like doing ANYTHING!

I don't even want to shop! I don't want to move! I don't want to cook!

Careful what I wish for omg.

I intend to enjoy life! I intend to enjoy shopping! I intend to enjoy moving! I intend to enjoy cooking! I intend to express my appreciation! I intend to take care of myself!

I intend to let the flow through me! I intend to love myself and not give a fuck! I intend to be here now! I intend to feel good before going to bed! I intend to go to bed feeling good! I intend to go to bed feeling good! I intend to go to bed feeling good! I intend to go to bed feeling good! I intend to go to bed feeling good! I intend to go to be feeling good! I intend to go to bed feeling good! I intend to fill this fucking hole with connection to god!

DEAR GOD PLEASE FILL THIS HOLE!!!!!!!

Dear god please fill this hole dear god please fill this hole dear god please fill this hole please help me learn to feel good on my own please help me feel passionate again. Please fill this hole. Please fill this hole. Please fill this hole. Please help me appreciate. PLease help me feel better. Please help me want to work out and work. Please help me feel playful again! Please help me feel disciplined again! Please help me feel better! Please help me feel better!

Please help me feel connected. Please help me connect. Please help me. Please help me let this go. I pray to stay sober today i pray to stay sober today i pray to get distracted i pray to stay sober today i pray to feel better i pray to feel better i pray to feel better i pray to feel better i pray to feel better

Please help me connect please help me align please help me allow please help me FILL THIS FUCKING HOLE that only food or kratom or alcohol or speed can fill! Please fill this fucking hole! Please fill this fucking hole! Please fill this fucking hole! Please fill this fucking hole!

I'd like it to be filled with work and working out, but I am open to other avenues... Counting works a little. Meditation works a little. But I need something STRONG that works ANY TIME OF DAY. Please give me something strong. Please make me strong? Please help me? Please help me be like the person I want to be? Beautiful and strong and in love with myself? Please help me enter my body please help me be in my body please help me be the person i want to be! Please help me fill this hole! DEAR GOD PLEASE FILL THIS HOLE!!!