Today started very hard. We had agreed to work out and I dragged my feet so hard. I was in a terrible mood and didn't want to do it. But I knew I would feel better. Then I decided to eat an apple, a piece of pizza and a brownie right before starting, brilliant! It hurt really bad but by the end I felt much better. And then keke said I could use this wall upstairs for my handstands. Best xmas gift ever! My own handstand wall!

So then I cleaned up some cat mess and had to do a related load of laundry. Took a primatene tablet because I've been a little weezy and want to switch up the sudafed. Just me, ephredrine and pseudophedrine getting through this. And thc and valerian and advil. Thank god.

And keke water.

So then we meditated and I counted but fell asleep. Now I'm here writing and we have all these big ideas for the night... proofreading this zine, doing the photoshoot for it and the no fucks notepads, make a sale on the site, writing an email... I've got to tell you, I'm not feeling it. I know I will be happy when it's done and it won't be that hard but I just want to relax and who wants to get a sales email on xmas day?? Idk......

So I am less fatigued today, though I did have coffee and half a rock star, 2 sudafed and one primatene. The depression isn't so bad, and it's not like i'm craving kratom... I don't want it, I Just want to feel normal again. I want to feel like posting my videos. I am really trying to be compassionate to myself though, and let myself take a break. For a treat.

Wouldn't it be nice to feel back to 100% tomorrow? Wouldn't it be nice to just let myself relax? Wouldn't it be nice to want to work out? Wouldn't it be nice to maintain my weight? Wouldn't it be nice to work out more than ever? Wouldn't it be nice to have a great night?

So I said my 2020 focuses are
FRIENDLY
SINGULAR FOCUS
PERFECT TIMING

but my absolute intentions and personal mandates born out of a desperate need to control are:
MAINTAIN A WEIGHT OF 120LB THE WHOLE YEAR
WORK OUT 3X/WEEK, PERIOD!
and be able to do an unassisted handstand for 10 seconds!

I am so grateful for my health and home and kitties and wife. I am so grateful for food in the fridge and money to pay the electric bill and for adobe software. I am so grateful it's christmas! I am so grateful to always have plenty! I am so grateful to be almost a week free of kratom! I am so grateful Keke is so patient and compassionate and understanding to me! I am so grateful for my family and friends. I am so grateful for my singular focus. I am so grateful to be here now. I am so grateful people love me enough to send me presents. I am so grateful to be in the right place at the right time. I am so grateful writing always works! I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR KEKE AND KEKE WATER!!

I am so grateful to feel better already. I am so grateful I get to drink a smoothie. I am so grateful I get to eat a vegetable. I am so grateful to let go of my worries. I am so grateful I'm feeling more energized every day. I am so grateful to have some valerian. I am so grateful to have primatene and sudafed. I am so grateful to have boopies and la croix. I am so grateful to have plenty. I am so grateful to have perfect timing. I am so grateful to be doing my writing and feeling better!

Today I intend to feel better and better. I intend to love myself and not give a fuck. I intend to listen to more abe. I intend to love my life the way it is. I intend to breathe consciously. I intend to celebrate not having to go to court!!! I intend to let my worries go. I intend to live the magick life! I intend to be here now! There's nowhere to go!

I intend to let go. I intend to surrender. I intend to choose change before change chooses me. I intend to be kind. I intend to be compassionate to myself. I intend to celebrate and enjoy the holiday! I intend to let life live me. I intend to let go of my worries. I intend to be patient. I intend to be kind to myself. I intend to have singular focus. I intend to post this video!! I intend to lighten up and have fun! I intend to return to my playful self!

I love it when I do my work. I love it when I WANT to do my work. I love it when I follow through and post my videos. I love it when I record frequently and have 3 built up vids. I love it when I feel tendergized!! I love it when I feel the flow! I love it when I feel better! I love it when I work out! I love feeling good. I love lightening up> I love feeling PLAYFUL. I think that's my favorite feeling.

I love being here now. I love being me. I love listening to music and writing myself into a higher vibration. I love feeling good about myself. I love standing up to my thoughts and letting go of what isn't working. I love being detached. I love having positive influences. I love having new friends. I love having old friends. I love feeling connected. I love being able to breathe. I love being healthy. I love living the magick life! I love facetiming with my friends. I love letting go. I love feeling better! I love letting life live me! I love that I always have plenty!