898 Days Sober

Jessica Mullen

898 Days Sober

Jessica Mullen
898 Days Sober and I'm thinking about writing poetry
I feel so soft like I forgot my shell today
Just your pile of poems sitting in my inbox is enough to make me want my own to give you
Drinking a spinach smoothie like I do every day
Settled into my home and somehow settled into my mind today
Trying to remember to practice presence and so grateful for the nudges from others
Feeling unmotivated and always wondering what my true calling is
While expressing these words is my true calling
Obsessed with listening to LDR because she called me last month
Her lyrics are all I hear and I like the sweet sadness
Makes death ok

My email list is broken
It doesn't send the auto responder with the file
I have to fix that later
I have so much to do and that is ok
It doesn't bother me but it fills me with a lowkey anxiety
I'm not doing enough I'm never doing enough I simply CAN'T do enough to keep up with my ideas

Listening to that one song you liked
Even though it feels like November
The midwestern cold
I can't believe our paths crossed and uncrossed so quickly

I don't feel seen enough by enough people
a sure sign I need to see myself
a sure sign I need to love myself
I have been SLACKING on the self love
letting the kratom do my feeling for me

But today I'm taking a break, I'm sick of it
I want to remember who I am
Who am I when I'm not ON something?
Weed doesn't count of course

Well my fake nails came in the mail today
I am so swayed by good advertising
and feel like manicured nails are the pinnacle of having one's shit together
Dug in the dirt enough to not need to dig in the dirt for a month
Already I'm scared of the glue they came with
Vacillate between filling myself with chemicals
and acknowledging the futility of filling myself with chemicals

I have so much I want to tell you with my eyes alone
I project these abilities onto you,
YOU understand me! YOU see me! YOU can teach me!

And suddenly I see myself looking in the mirror
tricking myself into believing in duality
And I feel alone
but at least I can see through the illusion
At least I have my power back
At least
wait, what is beyond this?

Where is the DMT
Remember in Austin when we smoked DMT three times
And I knew the meaning of life?
Remember in Austin when we woke up?
I'm not saying I need a fresh awakening
but I want that NEWNESS omg that newness of
learning something for the first time

I HAD NO IDEA
No inkling of flow or oneness
until the acid, the dmt, the mushrooms, the molly

Is it any wonder I stay relying on substances for clarity???????

I know that the ones I lean on, the crutches, are never the mind blowing lesson creating substances

Alcohol
Painkillers
Speed

None of those produced awakenings other than
oh wow I can feel good and life can be fun again

It's been weeks since you wrote and I still don't want to write back to the rest because I like seeing your name in my inbox.

just writing you reminds me to do me
you come to me when i don't want you
when i've let you go

the perPETUAL pattern of wanting something SO BAD
and then making peace without it
and it comes

I need a drink because I'm having a hard time
letting go
connecting

I need a drink because I want to loosen up, forget, dear lord LET GO OF THESE THOUGHTS
IT'S BEEN 898 DAYS I THINK I CAN HANDLE ONE DRINK
but really i want two at least

i can't believe this fire woke up again
just by remembering who you are
seeing the memory of you you sent to me out of the blue when i was least expecting your wave!

sometimes i'm my mom and sometimes i'm a ditzy blonde and sometimes
i'm so THIRSTY nothing can fill me up!
even though i haven't had alcohol in 898 days,
i am as thirsty as the day i had my first sip of vermouth,
pilfered from the liquor cabinet, poured into an empty can of diet coke
squirreled away in a cabinet until everyone else was asleep
i chugged it and hurried to brush my teeth in case someone came in my room
swaying, excited,
FINALLY I have something to take me away
finally i have something that tells me

YOU
ARE
ENOUGH

Jessica Mullen
Living the magick life.
youjizz