I've got these fucking FEELINGS about alcohol today. 447 days sober and all I want is to drink because I think it will be fun and interesting. I want to drink because I want to stop giving a fuck! I want to wild out! Stop caring about what other people think, stop caring about what -I- think!
I barely know anyone in the world who doesn't drink! I wonder why?! Because it's fun! And I just want to have fun! I feel like I haven't had fun in years! 447 days to be precise!
Oh it would taste so poisonous and burn so good. I only made rules to break them! I never even was that bad!
Here I am trying to talk myself into drinking again. Last night I dreamt I was helping a friend go buy la croix and avoid drinking for another day. But what am I doing avoiding shit my whole life! I want to LIVE my life and have fun! Not avoid shit!
I want life to feel luscious and exciting and wild again! I don't care if this shit shaves years off my life! What's a life spent WISHING I was doing something and not doing it?!
And if I would just have a drink I probably wouldn't have to drink all day every day! I could just have drinks like a normal person!! ! ! ! ! !
But then I remember the one thing that always stops me: I don't want to gain that vodka belly back. I went clothes shopping on Sunday and everything fit. I bought a dress in a small. The shirts I got were mediums and they could have been a little big. I liked myself when I looked in the mirror. I was so relieved that I wasn't sick of myself.
So I have that going for me, a totally distorted perception of value. But is it? When I drink I eat like shit and eventually it adds up to 20 pounds. I always resolve to start over the next day. I make up all these rules. That's why Kelly says me being sober is "just another diet". It has nothing to do with alcohol anymore. I just don't want the 1000 extra wine calories a day.
And I also remember always going to bed feeling like crap. Like, the fun of drinking is over and now I have to face it in the morning and feel sick. So depressing to go to bed like that every night.
I'm afraid if I start drinking again I'll never have enough money to leave this town and I'll be stuck in central Illinois for life. Which really isn't such a bad fate, but I have so much of the world to see. Winter is long here. I want to be in the sun. But the spring made the winter worth it right?
I just listen to Nicki Minaj and hope she'll whisper the answer to me. I know she drinks her Myx moscato and talks about bud lights and "even though we'll have a hangover the next day..."
Why do I have to focus so much energy on whether I drink or not? I want to be focused on how fun my life is going. I want to be focused on my work and flow and passion. But sometimes I feel like alcohol is a gateway to flow and passion.
And don't get me started on wanting to feel brave again! One of the hardest things to learn after getting sober was that I thought I was such a brave person, but really I WAS JUST DRUNK a lot of that time! I wasn't brave, I was blacked out!!!!
I like remembering my life, but with alcohol I actually find myself in situations worth remembering. What the fuck?
I do love my life how it is right now, and it feels amazing to wake up without a hangover every day. I fucking LOVE being able to try on clothes and everything fits. I love that I can pretty much eat whatever I want and wear my size 6 jeans. I love that I don't have to worry about doing dumb shit. I never wonder what I said
Because I never say anything! That's another thing! I am so much braver in what I say when I drink! Because I don't care what other people think! I FEEL SO MUCH MORE LIKABLE WHEN I DRINK.
I'm always looking for health cure-alls like ACV and coconut oil. What if alcohol is my cure-all?!
Haha this is the shit I have to put up with in my mind.
It feels good to write about where I'm at with alcohol but oh dear god can I imagine the way that first glass of red wine would feel.
I feel really healthy, but why have my health if I'm so bored?
Wow that's dark.
I just can't believe alcohol still dominates so much of my thinking 14 months later. I guess a lot of it is because everyone else drinks and it's hard to feel like a total outsider. I like feeling like a role model and everything but really I feel like I'm acting all superior and holier than thou.
So yeah I guess I pray to stay sober today but what good is a sarcastic prayer? I want to focus on what's working and bring more of that into my life, instead of alcohol strife.
I want to feel high on life and high on "the vortex" and high just being me! I want to feel excited about getting up in the morning! I mean I don't have a hangover!? Why can't I just jump out of bed and fuck shit up?!
I pray for more depth and more highs and more inspiration and motivation to get out of bed in the morning. I pray to keep my health up and I pray to stay sober. I pray creativity wins over addiction and I pray I can tolerate myself whether I drink again or not. I pray to love and accept myself exactly the way I am.