Another year. I'm 34. I feel the best I've ever felt on a NYE. I don't really remember last year. Ah yes, a flickr search reveals we went to a party at a friend's house, then to another friend's house for a beauty parlor after party. Shots shots shots! We played Catan the next day and had a cozy day with friends.
This is my first sober NYE of my life (since leaving for college anyway). I feel like all my days are the same now, but in a good way. I don't value my days on how hungover I am anymore. A really good day turned into drinking and a really bad day. Now I just have good days. Not as many wild heart racing moments but 100% fewer vomiting sessions.
I feared my life would get boring when I quit drinking. Now I see how much more interesting life is without the booze. You gotta go within to see the fireworks, but they're there. Every day I drank I set myself back to square one. Now I'm at square 327 or something. Not that there's any place to get, but I feel like I live each day to the fullest now. No more days spent in bed with a hangover. No more nights lost in one long blackout. No more pointless fights.
It seems like 2016 was all about being sober. It definitely was my greatest accomplishment. Any time I get down on myself for not creating enough, I remind myself of how much better my life is sober. I got through all those days without a drink. I figured that shit out on my own. I "worked through my feelings". I dealt with how I felt instead of trying to drink it away, only to wake to it being even worse in the morning.
I still dream about drinking quite often. Maybe every other night. It's always such a big part of modern life, even when I'm not drinking. It's in my face every day, through friends, family, ads, bars, restaurants, etc. I'm grateful we don't keep any in the house.
I've had the pleasure of getting to spend many a sober night with drunk people, and each time it happens, I feel even better about being sober. Still I dream about that first shot or beer. I always regret it.
I used to pride myself on having no regrets, and now my dreams are colored with regret. I want to have good dreams this year. I want to move past alcohol altogether. Focus on something new.
2017 is the year I fly. It is the year of silent counting. If 2016 was getting sober, 2017 is going to be ENJOYING being sober, not regretting my mistakes. In 2017 I am embracing my life as it is. I am going deeper.
I still crave the depth of hallucinogens, so desperately. Help me remember life is deep. Help me remember the magick of life. The inside joke. The love that makes up everything.
2016 was a year of stillness, and allowing. I let myself be blown with the wind back to Illinois. I let go of my attachment to a city I outgrew. I let go of all my friends. I let go of my parents. I let go of that beautiful, glorious, amazing, weather. I let go of nice tap water. I let go of nice produce and bud. I let go of comfort.
I said PEACE OUT, COMFORT ZONE!
Now I am poised at a beautiful fresh start, in a fresh place, with a fresh mind. I am free of booze. Now what do I want in its place?
I WANT DEPTH
I BEG FOR DEPTH
I want to play with life. I want to celebrate my presence. I want to fly! I want to ride the biggest wave to outer space! I want aliens! I want mysteries! I want new levels in my life! I WANT DEPTH! MAGICK! And I want to WAKE UP IN THE DREAM!
2016 I woke from an alcohol induced slumber
2017 I awake in the dream!
I want to be awake in the dream.
Awake in this lucid dream.
I want to remember life is a dream and that I can step into my power at any moment. Right now.
In this moment, I am entering this symbolic transition. I have regained my health, my clarity, and my patience. I have found my playfulness and surrendered to the fancy of life.
2016 I started letting life live me
2017 I ASCEND
I want a word that helps me focus my intentions this year.
In every moment I have the choice to hold on and sink
or let go and fly
it's time to let go and fly
2016 I remembered I can fly
2017 I FLY
In 2017 I intend to fly. I intend to have good dreams. I intend to explore the depths of life. I intend to ascend. I intend to be light. I intend to play. I intend to practice presence. I intend to practice magick. I intend to exercise and meditate and write and play and create more. I intend to remember,
I AM ENOUGH
THIS IS ENOUGH
In 2017, I am enough.
In 2017, My life is enough.
In 2017, I do enough. I work enough. I play enough. I exercise enough. I eat well enough. I find good music enough. I love enough. I appreciate enough. I share enough. I give enough. I fly, enough!
I am enough to fly!