I'm listening to this song called dopemang where this girl talks about being cocaine sniffin, got her dopemang trippin. It's blackout Wednesday. In a past life, even just a year ago, I'd be turnin up. I'd definitely be drunk. I'd be encouraging everyone to drink. Today we went with Kel's mom to Peoria to do something with our internet account. I would have had us stopping at rainforest cafe for a vodka soda or something. I might have a flask. Maybe just a bag with a fifth of vodka and a can of pop, and of course my signature red solo shot glass cups.
It made me feel so good to drink and encourage others to do the same. I would feel like I was comforting people, encouraging them to NOT GIVE A FUCK! Encouraging them to shirk responsibility and have fun with me instead!
But this year I'm almost 10 months sober, and I'm here writing and meditating instead of partying. I had 2.5 cups of coffee today, which is a buzzed as I get. And I make that shit STRONG. Oh and of course I smoke but that's medicine.
Anyway, the dopemang song made me crave. "We should hit up some people and get some coke and go to a bar and be wild." I already feel guilty, my mind instantly fast-forwarding to the next morning, when I can't sleep, I feel like shit and I'm regretting flirting a little too hard with someone else's partner. Woops. I don't remember it, so you can't blame me!
I still think about alcohol every day... when life gets hard, like when the water heater busted the other day, I want a drink. I want a drink so I have a good attitude about what goes wrong, instead of panicking and being sour.
I remember the first time I realized I was going to have to quit the booze, when we went to this essential oil presentation. At the end, we put our hands on this device that told you what meridians were out of wack. Mine were all sorts of messed up. I remember being surprised because I try to be pretty healthy--I was working out every day and of course I always drink my trusty kale smoothie in the morning. The demonstrator questioned my daily habits, and I said something along the lines of, "Well... I do drink. A lot."
So I had the urge to go buy coke and go on a perfectly socially acceptable blackout wednesday bender. I already have enough perspective to know I'd never really do that sober, but give me one, two, three, four drinks and I'll be bugging everyone asking for "uppers".
I used to think I was so cool. Drinking was so romantic. Drugs were so rebellious and exciting. But over time it all just got so tiring and embarrassing. If I want to be some kind of thought leader, I can't be vomiting in the back of my friend's car. Or is it connected?
I hesitate to speak in absolutes. Why can't I be a thought leader, and barfing out a window?
I suppose it's because I don't want to be both. I don't want to be obsessed with something outside of me to get me through the day. I want to be strong and have fun no matter what the day brings. I used to need alcohol to do that, and encourage others to do the same.
I'm a lot quieter now, and I feel like I miss a lot of opportunities to connect with people that I otherwise would have been drunkenly bold enough to befriend. But it's not like our relationship was the same the next day... and why have friends you have to be drunk to be around?
Even writing the word drunk turns me on. I want to be intoxicated with my life. The most intoxicating thing in my life right now is the hot water from our brand new water heater. "This is better than drugs," Kelly and I joked, but we're mostly serious. We're really into "cumulative goods" like exercise and eating well--things that feel good and add up to beneficial change.
I worry I've become too uptight. I worry I'm no fun. I'm simply not in the same scenarios I used to be. I'm not at the bar, so we don't meet people and go hang out with them in the middle of the night. I avoid nightlife in this new place because it's pretty fucking tempting.
Sometimes when I get a little too "I WANT A DRINK", Kelly says "SO HAVE ONE THEN." And I always backpedal. No! I don't want to go back there! I was terrified! Sick all the time! I am not the type to have one or two drinks. What the eff is the point? I drink to get drunk. That's what appeals to me. A big part of me wants to live with zero boundaries and zero inhibitions.
In conclusion. I am just about 10 months sober, and I am spending blackout wednesday chilling at home, being still, creating, and relaxing. Tomorrow I will wake up feeling great, and it will be easy to get out of bed. I will be in a good mood when I see people, and when they see me, I will brighten their day. I will continue to lead by example. I might still want to drink, but every time I don't, I gain a measure of personal power that's more intoxicating than the stiffest long island iced tea.