One thing I didn't anticipate coming back to the north was the deep romantic swirling mortality of the impending winter. You can feel the rush. You can feel the people scurrying, burying their nuts, frantic to prepare. It gives me goosebumps to remember. There is a chill in the air at night, it's 60º! We have to seal the doors, insulate the vents, put blankets over the windows. But more importantly, we have to make peace with death.
We found two bat skeletons while cleaning out the basement (I guess they could be birds, but they didn't have any feathers around...). One we found in a plastic halloween pumpkin decoration. Looking at the photo I took of it, my heart shattered. This poor bat had to spend its last moments in a halloween decoration. Then the bugs came and ate its skin. So lonely. So alone.
But I took a picture of it and posted it to the Gram, like you do. "Your Life Is Appreciated My Friend," was the caption. In that moment I transmuted my fear of death into an appreciation of the circle of life. That's what the winter does here. That's where the gothiness comes from. We're all dying, and we're all so afraid. But it's so fucking beautiful. It's worth it. Steel yourself, my love, with candles and magick and steaming beverages. Steel yourself from the darkness as long as you can, and then when you can't hold on anymore, let the dark swallow you.
Let the snow fall on you. Let the dark eat you. Let the bugs eat your flesh. Let your body decompose. Let the dust settle. Don't resist.
In Austin, we squeak through the winter with a little rain. We can still bike and hike. Some people even swim in the springs. There's not as much death to face, not as much stillness. Life continues without that black hole of 20 below.
So here we are, in Galesburg, Illinois, where the weather is beautiful and there is death threatening from the sky. I've switched from "Bottoms Up" radio to Nine Inch Nails. Every little trick I used to survive my teens and early twenties is coming back to me.
Embrace the dark. Love the dark. It's all you have. Let the dark in. Make love to the dark.
Austin brightened me up, filled me with light and magick. There was something in the water there. It healed me and quenched my thirst. It sobered me up. It brought me clarity. It made me, at times, friendly and loving and compassionate. It made me conscious. It made me aware of my carbon footprint and my trash and my impact on the environment. Austin breathed so much life into me and my soul.
And then suddenly I was full. My mana reached 100. My spirit was topped off. And then it was time to leave, to be a warrior. To use all my training in the real world. To survive on my own without the spiritual support system that courses through the city.
My task now is to remember that spiritual support system is inside of me, and to manifest it into this life here. My job is to embrace mortality. To prepare for the winter of my soul.
And then I get to be reborn!
I am so happy and grateful to be who I am, where I am. I am so happy and grateful to remember who I am. I am so happy and grateful for the challenge. I am so happy and grateful to feel excited about my new life. I am so happy and grateful to have time and resources to make art and thrive as an artist. I am so happy and grateful to have a reason to focus.
Wouldn't it be nice to have the best day of my life? Wouldn't it be nice to feel the flow? Wouldn't it be nice to fall in love with death more and more every day? Wouldn't it be nice to surrender and trust? Wouldn't it be nice to find some entheogens? Wouldn't it be nice to make some friends? Wouldn't it be nice to laugh and be LIGHT? Wouldn't it be nice to burn brighter than ever before? Wouldn't it be nice to SHINE in the dark?
I'm switching to the version of reality I prefer. In the reality I prefer, I remember to keep my abs tight. In the reality I prefer, I am taking care of myself. I am allowing life to live me. I am shining my brightest. I am a star! I am lighting the path. I am brave and courageous and I am excited to live my life!
In the reality I prefer, I am present and appreciative of every moment. I am in control of my vibration. I am in love with death. I embrace mortality. I love death. I love the circle of life. I am at peace with the circle of life. I am at peace with mortality. I am at peace with death. I am relaxed. I am allowing. I am surrendering. I am letting life live me. I am light and I am free and I am choosing to take life so lightly I fly!
What do you want?
To be present for every moment. To enjoy my day. To keep my mind and thoughts off of this world. To just BE HERE NOW.
Today I intend to practice presence. I intend to be kind and helpful and compassionate. I intend to love. I intend to pray. I intend to practice gratitude in advance. I intend to make poetry out of death. I intend to embrace the darkness. I intend to glow in the abyss.
I pray to stay sober today. I pray to stay conscious. I pray for light and love. I pray for friendship and laughter. I pray for the strength to face my fears.
I love it when I do the work. I love it when I focus my attention. I love it when I write and meditate every day. I love it when I remember I live the magick life. I love it when I appreciate myself as an artist. I love it when I make art! I love it when I surrender, let go, and flow! I love it when life feels good. I love it when I choose to feel good regardless of circumstance.
Relax and celebrate. You know you love it here. You know you love this life. You are already at peace. You are receiving everything you wanted. Your light is shining so brightly. Let this day reveal its glory to you. You are receiving. You are allowing. You are free! Let the flow through you, you are a channel of beauty and light and hope and magick and LOVE!