I love teeth. I love my teeth.
I got my teeth cleaned and they just looked at me like I was crazy for not getting a cleaning for 6 years. It could have been longer... I only remember going on a summer day and I think we had a picnic... No cavities...
I have a filling from childhood that's falling out of my upper left molar. It started feeling weird and I had some money so I was like fuck it I'm going to the dentist.
I love going to the dentist. I love the pain of the scrape under the gums. I love the feeling of pain for improvement. I love that it takes 6 years of mineral deposits out of my mouth.
And I talk to Kelly about it a little bit, she thinks it's a scam. I definitely paid for an xray I didn't need. $105. For an xray where my front teeth are barely even visible on the film.
I'm supposed to look for the moments when I don't want to pay the price. I don't want to pay the price of this xray. I feel talked into the decision, like the hygienist was like "Duh you have to get this" and I let her talk down to me a little. I should have researched it before going in. I should look up what happens when you get a filling so they can't surprise me with extra charges.
So I don't want to pay the price. I want to pay the price of the cleaning and the filling, I believe in those. The xray though... lol.
I am practicing stream of consciousness writing right now. Linty just jumped up onto my desk.
The point of the dentistry conversation is this: I do oil pulling and I believe it can heal cavities, but I'm not willing to risk it for real. I want my loose filling replaced asap. I'm not trying to see if oil pulling is going to take care of that loose filling for me. Because right now I have the money to pay someone else to take care of it for me.
But I would believe in the oil, if I had to. If that was the only tool at my disposal, I would put my faith in it. And it would work.
I am feeling impatient with myself because it's 1:56 and we're supposed to start working on the basement at 2:00. The thing is I keep hearing footsteps behind me and it makes it hard to concentrate. Relax... I just need to relax.
Breathing in I love myself
Breathing out I love myself
You should write every day. You should let these thoughts out. Let them go. Who cares. That dentist thing is written out and I never have to think about it again.
What else would you like to say?
I want to communicate. I want to create. I want to focus my attention in this moment right here. I am here now. In the reality I prefer, I am in this moment right now. I am at peace. I am light. I am free. I am letting go.
The thing with the subscription program is this: what I want to lock up is my drafts. The pre-edited material. The stream of consciousness. I don't feel safe posting my stream of consciousness in the public sphere. Weird? But if you pay for it, you can read my drafts. My thought process.
I am relaxed. I am doing the work. I am letting the flow through me. I am letting the flow through me. That's what this is all about. I write every day so I give the flow a chance to come out. I write every day because sometimes I write really good stuff. I write every day because spirits talk through the keyboard.
I am letting the flow through. I am letting love flow through me. I just hear the words come in like a train.
WHat's next. I can watch the words come in through the train tunnel.
You're next, it says.
Relax and trust the process of life.
I feel fear.
Relax and trust the magick life. It's all working out for you. Let go and let god. Let train run through you.
Let the train run through you.
At peace with what is, that's how it will be. That's how it is, how I feel free.
I see teh words come through the same time I think them. Sometimes they are more in focus on the train, sometimes i hear them more loudly.
I can let the flwo through me! I can let the flow through me! I can see my thought process. I can trust the magick of life. I can trust that it's working out. There's no need to get morose. It's time to have fun! Remember your position as a being of light! You can be light and then life will be light!
Take it so lightly you fly! Just be light!
The train says get out of the way. The train says when you let go it flows. Whatever you're attached to, let it go. Go back to your simran. I'm at 1500 so far today. I've counted to 1500. I will count to 10,000. I will achieve!
It's not about achievement, it's about being. When you count it gives your mind motivation to let you be. It gives the ego a goal and a job. And you get to be. Never judge yourself on the number, but judge yourself on the number.
Let the numbers soothe you. Let the numbers lead you. The numbers are basic black and white clean and simple on and off. They will guide you. 12345678910...
The lesson here is just relax and count. Be light.
Be light and don't give a fuck!
Just go back to the numbers.
No need to get morose. There is light in every dark thing.
That is your version of goth. It's to laugh in the dark.