Drunk & Impatient

Drunk & Impatient


I'm drunk and so impatient. So so impatient. And not that drunk, I just think that 6 shots should have made me a little more tipsy by now. I guess I took my first one around 9 so... it's been almost 4 hours... so I've already processed 4 of them. Ok that's what's up.

So impatient. I want everything to be done right now. I want everything to be the way I want it to be. Right now. I want everything right now, as I demand it. I want to eat calorie free food, right now. I want things outside of me to be my reason for feeling good, right now.

I'm in the best physical condition I've been in for a while. We're running. Last week I ran 7 miles, three in a row without walking! This weekend I ran maybe 4... but walked another 5. I've been killing it, going to pump and combat and rpm. I'm taking care of myself. Haven't had addy since the last week of August. I'm doing amazing. I'm doing me.

I am trying to be here now. How can I just BE here now instead of trying? How can I be present while drinking? Am I present? Am I doing this right? What should I do/!?!?

I always want someone to tell me what to do, where is my dad?! I need him to tell me what to do so I know to do the opposite. No one is telling me not to drink every night. No one is telling me to pull it together. I guess that means I do have it together. Right?

I am here now. I am waking up now. I am letting myself be present without judging myself. Like I don't deserve to be present if I'm drinking.

Jessica I love and accept you exactly the way you are!

Oh yeah. I remember. That mantra has actually be working, a lot! For days in a row! I say it to myself all day every day. It's my simran. It's been working so well. I even dreamed about it! In my dream I was trying out something like "I love myself" but went to "Jessica I love and accept you exactly the way you are" and it made me instantly "watch myself". Like my perspective pulled away from being projected far away in my mind, to here in my body.

Jessica I love and accept you exactly the way you are.
Jessica I love and accept you exactly the way you are.
Jessica I love and accept you exactly the way you are.

I say it to myself all the time. And then Kelly says to me things like "but jessica, remember that you love and accept that exactly as it is." It permeates my reality, for real...

So I want to be part of the Loud Challenge. Where you smoke indoors, or wherever the fuck you want. I watched this video of this kid smoking in a walmart. How bold. And disrespectful, but not really, right?

Anyway, I love and accept you exactly the way you are.

I'm backing up my computer for the first time in several weeks. It's amazing because I actually have work I want to back up. Mostly scans of all the postcards we just took down from past art shows. It's time for our next show.

It's like I need a vice to create. When I was trying to get into the graphic design program at age 19, I was obsessed with my weight, and learning how to have an eating disorder. I had to publish on my website what I ate, what I weighed, and as many disparaging comments about myself as possible.

Then in Type 2 I made some of my first "best" formal graphic design work--a book about my process in therapy. I had to be on these prescription diet pills I ordered online... that didn't end well. (My hair started falling out and I couldn't pee so I just quit that shit.)

In grad school my vice was feeling better than everyone else. That didn't necessarily work out either, a lot of my content from 2008-2009 was so mean!

But the point is, I'm always creating no matter what my vice is. Right now my vice is alcohol, and really, that hasn't changed since age 16. It was too taboo! I was GOING to be an alcoholic. I chose this life as a teenager. Sure I could change, but the thing is what you resist, persists. If you want to get rid of something, allow it to flourish. Let it play its course. It's all working out. Just relax. You're off drugs. You're not bulimic anymore. You're not blacked out every night. You just drink a handle of Skol every few days. This too shall pass! Don't worry about it! Lighten up Jessica! You're in the right place at the right time, and even if you're tipsy, you can still Be Here Now! You can still enjoy this moment! You can still practice self love instead of criticizing yourself!

So I'll wrap up my writing and I'll probably publish this because it scares me to talk about my vices. I'll do another shot with Kelly and we'll smoke. We'll watch a couple eps of Gossip Girl and if I'm lucky, I'll get a massage :P

I am scared to write about my life for real. At times it seems so lame but at times I see it's magick and perfection. I know it's all working out for me. I see my upward spiral. I see myself becoming who I want to be in every moment. I know I am loved. I know I am good. I know I don't have to change. I can relax and let it be easy. I do know the meaning of life after all!

Just enjoy it. Just relax and enjoy it. Enjoy the drinks you drink. They are temporary. Enjoy the smoke you smoke. It's temporary. Enjoy your nights relaxing, watching Gossip Girl. They are temporary. This will never happen again. Enjoy it! Everything is perfect and in its place! Relax!

Jessica Mullen
Living the magick life.