Hangovers, Innocence and Unconditional Love

Hangovers, Innocence and Unconditional Love

Cam-1

I woke up at 11am and headed to the bathroom. My left eye looks swollen, probably from drinking a little too much last night, or maybe from cat allergies.
Jessica, I love and accept you exactly the way you are.

There is cat litter in the bed from Linty tracking it in. I chastise myself for not keeping my home cleaner.
Jessica, I love and accept you exactly the way you are.

I have a headache, definitely from drinking.
Jessica, I love and accept you exactly the way you are.

Normally those criticisms would swarm around in my head all morning, but today my mantra is working. Jessica, I love and accept you exactly the way you are.

In cycling class yesterday, I was frustrated and feeling lazy. I repeated Jessica, I love and accept you exactly the way you are a few times and realized I was just mad at myself for not "performing" better. But it's not a race. It's not a competition. Jessica, I love and accept you exactly the way you are.

And now I feel like I've brushed my teeth, removed a layer of dirt, washed away last night's sleep. Jessica, I love and accept you exactly the way you are!

I can feel myself becoming more excited about my day. I'm trying not to think about the 7 mile run I have planned in two hours, and I'm trying not to think about how much I'll drink tonight, but Jessica, I love and accept you exactly the way you are.

When I start feeling uneasy, I go back to Jessica, I love and accept you exactly the way you are. It sounds like my dad in some made up time on the beaches of Florida. I am safe, I am good, I am still innocent.

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Just CHANGE! I want to shout at myself. Just QUIT DRINKING!
I say to myself every morning.
A few hours later I'm thirsty again.
Drinking is fun! Who cares! I'll quit when it's natural to quit!
Jessica, I love and accept you exactly the way you are.

The voice that tells me it loves me knows the big picture. It chuckles softly every time I beat myself up, and it patiently awaits the moment where I start asking questions.

Jessica, I love and accept you exactly the way you are.
But who are you? You're just me. What good does your love do? Am I going to have to repeat this mantra forever?

Jessica, I love and accept you exactly the way you are. I am you, I am the whole of you. I am the you you'll be when you die. I am the you you channel in your videos. I am the flow of life, individualized as you. I am peace. I am the eye of the storm. I am calm. I am deep knowing. I am infinite intelligence beyond human thought.
So what should I DO?!

I'm pretending to be tortured when really I'm feeling the best I've ever felt. I've been off the addies for weeks now, and I can feel my "star-child"ishness coming back. Life is getting deep again. I may even be a match to entheogens again soon!

Life is becoming my playground again, instead of my prison.

With prescription speed, I get fooled into believing I need it. I need it to go here, to do this, to stay up late, to last longer than my friends so I can make sure my cats don't escape. It does feel so good, that first 20mg, but then what? A constant vibration of lack. I need more. There's never enough.

But now I am free again. My wife helps me stay away, and I don't resist. I'm meditating again. I'm seeing deeper into the moment. How could I even want to see deeper into the moment with an amphetamine headache?

Jessica, I love and accept you exactly the way you are. You don't have to explain yourself. You don't have to try to make yourself feel better by talking about how virtuous you've been. I love and accept you exactly the way you are. It doesn't matter what you do, only that you feel this connection. All that matters is that you know, Jessica, I love and accept you exactly the way you are.

I am innocent! I'm screaming in my head. It's not my fault I get caught up in nasty adult things like addiction. That was supposed to be a joke! I'm innocent! I deserve light and love and play and rainbows and laughter and puppies and kitties and cool jewelry! I deserve to be held in god's hand and rocked to sleep! I deserve to see the world! I deserve to fly high with the birds! I deserve to be me!

Jessica, I love and accept you exactly the way you are. Yes, you are innocent. You have nothing to feel guilty for. You are a flower, blooming. You are the universe people-ing. You are an extension of god and therefore you can do no wrong. You are already perfect. You don't have to ever feel bad for your behavior. You are an angel and whatever you do is ok. You don't have to give a fuck! Because Jessica, I love and accept you exactly the way you are. You can relax now. Jessica, I love and accept you exactly the way you are.

I am awake now, calmly swishing coconut oil around in my mouth. It's almost time to spit it out, and with it, my hangover. I am making peace with what is. I am bringing myself to this present moment, where everything is fun and there's nothing to worry about. I'll wake up Kelly, get in the shower, and take Pwny for a walk. I'll check the mail, make a smoothie, and head to the gym. Today I remember that I am innocent, and Jessica, I love and accept you exactly the way you are.

Jessica Mullen
Living the magick life.
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