That Pain You Feel Is Change

Gathering Momentum

That Pain You Feel Is Change

Movie 82.mov

I am so angry I could hurt something or someone or myself. I am so angry at myself. I am so angry at my life. I am so angry at all the stupid illusions I let bother me. I am so angry at people who comment on my youtube. I am so angry at all the judgmental motherfuckers I am attracting because I am judging myself and others. I am so angry I can't pull it the fuck together. I am so angry I am an addict. I am so angry at myself for perpetuating limiting beliefs. I am so angry I let myself feel trapped. I am so angry I am blaming others for how I feel. I am so angry I don't let myself do what I want. I am so angry when I DO let myself do what I want. I am so angry that I CAN'T PULL IT TOGETHER. I AM SO ANGRY I FEEL FAT I AM SO ANGRY I FEEL HATEFUL I AM SO ANGRY I KEEP ACCIDENTALLY TYPING "I AM SO GRATEFUL" INSTEAD OF "I AM SO ANGRY"

I am so angry I haven't come farther than this. I am so angry I still want to do drugs all day every day. I am so angry I keep drinking even though it sucks. I am so angry I keep eating pizza even though it sucks. I am so angry I keep smoking even though it sucks. I am so angry I keep giving into all of the false merkabas. I am so angry I am not better. I am so angry I am not better. I am so angry I am not better. I am so angry I am not better. I am so angry I'm not in the now. I am so angry I can't manage my own fucking thoughts. I am so angry i am so angry I am so angry I am so angry I am so angry

I am so angry life is so hard. I am so angry that I can't put into practice the shit I read about. I am so angry that I keep self sabotaging. I am so angry I haven't lost any fucking weight. I am so angry I keep doing this stupid shit. I am so angry I feel angry. I am so angry that I am addicted to caffeine. I am so angry I am addicted to weed. I am so angry I am addicted to alcohol. I am so angry I am addicted to food. I am so angry that I can't be better. I am so angry I am not better. I am so angry I can't get this shit out of my life. I am so angry I can't sober up. I am so angry I don't want to sober up. I am so angry I feel like this. I am so angry I feel shitty. I am so angry that I don't know what to do

I am so angry that I want to keep running to other people to comfort me. I am so angry that I can't comfort myself. I am so angry that I feel trapped. I am so angry I feel trapped by myself. I am so angry at this illusion. I am so angry at this illusion. I am so angry at this illusion. I am so angry at this illusion. I am so angry at this illusion. I AM SO ANGRY I HATE THIS FUCKING ILLUSION I AM SO ANGRY THAT I STILL FEEL DEPRESSED I AM SO ANGRY THAT I CAN'T LET IT BE EASY

I am so angry that I don't feel taken care of. I am so angry that I won't take care of myself. I am so angry that I feel so alone. I am so angry that I keep DRINKING AND SMOKING AND EATING ANIMALS. I am so angry that I am a bad person. I am so angry that I suck at practicing what I preach. I am so angry that I live like this. I am so angry that I put up with this shit. I am so angry I keep giving into my mind. I am so angry I have to deal with my mind. I am so angry I made my mind like this. I am so angry that I can't get along with my wife. I am so angry that NOTHING CAN COMFORT ME. I am so angry that nothing makes me happy. I am so angry I haven't felt good in so long. I am angry that I did meth in my dream and didn't get to do it in real life. I am so angry that I think a drug like meth is a possibility. I am so angry that I keep turning to false merkabas. I am so angry I keep turning to false merkabas.

I am so angry that the alternative feels like an even bigger trap. I am so angry that I hate hippy dippy touchy feely stuff more than I hate drugs. I am so angry that I feel like this. I am so angry that I can't stand up for myself and say no. I am angry that I am so suggestible.




I am so grateful I could hurt something or someone or myself. I am so grateful I am angry at myself. I am so grateful I am angry at my life. I am so grateful I'm angry at all this stupid shit
because today
I'm going to say I'M GOING TO CHANGE
one more time
and this time I really mean it, I swear! I'm going to sober up! I'm going to stop eating poor innocent animals! I'm going to stop poisoning myself! I'm going to stop poisoning my reality! I'm going to be better I swear! This time I'll be a good person, really I promise! This time I won't give in! This time I'm going to conquer my mind! This time I'm not going to give in to the illusion! This time I'm really going to stop turning to all this bullshit!

But how can I keep that up for every day of the rest of my life?!?!?!?!?!?!




Just relax. It's ok. You're doing great. Your anger is a good thing. You're becoming. You're waking up. It must hurt for the caterpillar to turn into a butterfly but it's worth it. It hurts now but it's worth it. That pain you feel is change.

Jessica Mullen
Living the magick life.
1 COMMENT
  • Gala

    xoxoxoxoxoxoxxooxx

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