Prosperity Plan Day 7: The Divine Consciousness that I am is forever expressing its true nature of Abundance. This is its responsibility, not mine. My only responsibility is to be aware of this Truth. Therefore, I am totally confident in letting go and letting God appear as the abundant all sufficiency in my life and affairs.
I fell asleep while meditating today. I'm trying to get off coffee and the first day can be hard. I read, "Therefore, I am totally confident in letting go and letting God appear as the abundant all sufficiency in my life and affairs," then leaned backwards onto my yoga mat. I smushed my cold hands under my robed bottom and closed my eyes.
Today I felt tormented by addiction to such mainstream crap as beer and fried food. TORMENTED, I tell you! Every day I vacillate in attitudes between "FUCK YEAH I DO WHAT I WANT" and "FUCK ME WHY DO I ALWAYS SELF SABOTAGE".
I want to create my best work but then there is always a bottle of whiskey to finish or a bowl to smoke, and I've given up the preschool notion that I can create while fucked up.
So I go 5 days without drinking or smoking and feel so good and I reach this point where I feel good and good things are happening but it's like the natural high is wearing off... Even though good things are happening I don't feel as good anymore, so why NOT have a drink? Why NOT loosen up my mental knots with a 1 hitter?
I am so terrified to be honest in my writing and with myself, what if I get caught talking about smoking weed! My fear of authority is so outlandish even I don't take it seriously.
Then I find my band of girls on the Internet that make me feel better about myself, Cat Marnell, Rabbit White, Sadderall. I wish I could go back to my more hard-drug infested life because there are people who still have fun in this lifestyle, why can't I? Why do I have to get attached to every tiny thing that I like, dragging it around with me until I trip over it?
I miss the way I would open up my consciousness and marvel at all the dark, slimy bits. Now I jerk paragraphs of gratitude out of my fingers like I'm masturbating a dry vag, trying to get the tiniest semblance of good feeling out of my "work".
That's not true! screams some voice that I'm not sure if it's my higher self, my mind, or an internalized version of Kelly/my dad.
My writing practice is worthwhile and it is nice to think about what I'm grateful for but you know what today I am just going to write whatever I want and stop caring about following a formula so I can trick myself into feeling better so I can manipulate my mind into thinking good thoughts so I can transform my reality into something "better".
This is the only reality you got, sister. Time to start appreciating the dark, slimy bits.
I'm filled with incredible relief, to think that I could write without being formulaic. Without forcing a smile. But wait! Aren't you retreating into the person you used to be? The teenager angry about how unfair life is, the 21 year old vomiting because she thinks her insides are poison??
Who knows? *Lights one hitter*
I certainly can't keep thinking about "positivity" and I've about had it up to here with my "tips". Those tips are great the first time I realize them, but...
Quit questioning your own work! Stand behind your own work! You would be more successful if you felt more successful! Be proud of what you've accomplished!
And tears sting in my eyes (to use an overused phrase that is convenient right now), because I can hear that time it's my mom's voice. I'm trying, mom! I'm trying so hard to believe in myself! I'm trying to do what I think I'm supposed to, and I'm also doing what I think I'm not supposed to, and once in a while I just stop trying and I see it's all as it's supposed to be! What more can I FUCKING DO???
And I remember my earlier thoughts today, thinking about addiction being a "condition" passed down through families, I used to think my family was so perfect and immune, that I better be the one to dirty it up! But they were all already dirty they just wanted me to think I was clean, I don't know maybe something could change then...
I have framed my life long existential crisis as magickal *LIFE DESIGN*! And now I can hear my higher self coming to whisper, your life is magickal. It's all magickal. It's a cycle and you're going to keep going down and up but every time you go up you say it's worth it. You came to know the pattern of on/off have/want and now it's yours.
Why don't materially wealthy people do "the prosperity plan"? Why, after all these years, can I still not think and eat LESS? Why am I concerned with becoming physically LESS?
Why am I perpetuating these questions as reflections of my belief system? Why can't I change my beliefs faster? Why can I change my beliefs? Why do I feel like I'm talking in a spiral?
If I were a doctor, I would prescribe a big ol' dose of DMT right now.
*My mind shrieks from the corner* DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG IT TOOK TO BUILD THIS MENTAL STRUCTURE????
Then I realize I am asking for radical change, mental earthquakes and ...
All I know is I cannot get involved. I can start looking more closely at the dark and slimy bits, but I must detach. I must get off the roller coaster.
The roller coaster of basing how I feel/my self worth on
- what I ate
- how much I exercised
- how much money I make
- how I make money
- what I say
- who I say it to
- Internet engagement (i.e., likes)
- how my partner feels
- how much attention I get
Will I finally be happy when I eat 1200 calories a day, workout 2 hours a day, make $60,000 a year, become Instagram famous, make everyone happy, and have everyone in the building crushing on me?
My mind is sooooooo tempted to say yes.
Yes, then I will be skinny. Yes, then I will not have to worry. Yes, then I will be able to pursue the things I really want to do. Yes, then my work will probably be better. Yes, then I will be so distracted by flirting that all of life will be 100% fun.
Let's wrap up this elaborate therapy session. So, what I'm hearing from you, higher self, is this:
"Get off the roller coaster. Be happy today."
And from my mind I hear,
"Only when I have become the person I want to be can I be happy."
Ok mind. The person I want to be is getting off the roller coaster.